"Martha's tiny chest pulsed its final beats.
"I would never hear her lone coo again.
"The last of its kind.
"Coo.
Coo. Coo."
I'll pay you 100 bucks if you start cooing back.
Stop it.
I know this book is subtle,
but I really think it will captivate people.
Even with the Booker Prize buzz,
the second week of sales is anemic.
"In the way that she would recognize."
Probably have to cancel her book tour.
Not like we can afford one anyway.
What do you mean?
Liza, don't be dense.
Without Bryce's investment,
the company's in trouble.
I don't think this is the book to save us.
Lovely event, ladies.
We're back to our old ways, elegant and tasteful.
I, for one, don't think we ever needed Bryce.
Empirical will stand the test of time.
Ah.
Radha, you remember Liza.
Yes, delighted to see you again.
And this is Diana, our marketing genius.
Oh, well.
Radha is the newly appointed director
for the Rockefeller Nonprofit Repositioning Fund.
The RNRF? Congratulations.
Well, congratulations to you.
Charles told me that you championed this book.
Well done.
Well, my one desire is to service Charles.
Excuse us.
Yeah.
What on earth does he see in her?
Do I have cabernet teeth?
No, you're good.
Okay.
Liza!
Yay!
Hey, you guys!
Hi! Ahh!
I thought you were sleeping.
- She was drawing. - I'm going to be an artist.
I'm going to be a dermatologist or a jump-roper.
Well, the time is now, the walrus said,
for all good children to go to bed.
- No. - Not yet.
But your stuffed animals are all alone in the dark.
She's right.
Yeah, Daddy said we're moving soon,
but don't worry, we can bring all of our stuffies.
Moving? Where?
To a place more affordable.
He needs money for his business.
I said we might move, girls.
But we may not have to.
I'm hoping I can convince Edward L.L. Moore
to write another book in the "Crown of Kings" series...
tomorrow.
Well, just let me know if Princess Pam Pam
needs to make an appearance.
Actually, you know, I take that back.
I just remembered the fur bikini.
I don't mean to trouble you with this.
He's just one author I'd never want to see leave Empirical.
What are you naughty girls still doing up?
All right, it is time for bed.
Say good night.
Good night.
- Good night. - Good night.
Nice to see you guys.
Hello again.
Hi.
There you are.
- Hey. - Come here.
I got something to show you.
What are you doing?
You're just so sexy when you're working, I just...
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, not here.
Why, why not?
Because this is my boss's house.
That's why.
Yeah.
That's exactly why it's so hot.
Okay, we can't.
Babe, your away game is just...
It's a little weak right now.
That's all.
All right, you know what, back in the day,
I did it on a park slide
and once in a Big Boy drive-in.
- So, you know... - Wow.
My "back in the day" is happening right now,
and I'm gonna need stories to tell the 26-year-old
that I'm gonna date when I'm 40.
All right, later, okay?
I promise.
Mm.
Who is Aubrey Alexis?
She's a newcomer, and she's going to be huge.
Everyone in town's going to want this book,
but I'm bringing it to you first
because I respect you as a woman.
You have nice hair.
Et cetera, et cetera.
Oh hello, tall girl.
Hi.
Name's still Liza.
- Mm-hmm. - Listen.
Redmond is adamant that we are missing out
if we don't buy "Me, Myself, and O."
It's about a young woman
who sleeps her away across four continents
in search of the perfect orgasm.
She bangs a lot of guys, and in the end,
she realizes the perfect orgasm is with herself.
Oh.
Don't be scurred.
I'm not scurred.
"I learned to embrace my love of sex.
"It was sunrise at Borobudur,
"the world's most sacred Buddhist temple.
"We exchanged a serene glance, and before I knew it,
"Matthius had my face pressed against a perforated stupa.
Oh, how my blood ran soft."
Huh! Hot, huh?
- Uh! - Yeah.
I'm bringing it to you first,
- but it's not gonna be cheap. - Oh, god.
I just love how sex-positive the narrative is.
Well, when can we meet the author?
Oh, you can't.
She does not want to appear in public.
The book will have to stand for itself.
Can we make a deal with an expensive
first-time writer who won't appear in public?
We never have before.
I'll give you a moment to think about it.
Tick tock, moment's up.
Redmond, this is crazy.
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to pass.
Big mistake, ladies.
Big mistake.
Charles, would you like me to sit in
on the Edward L.L. Moore meeting?
No, this needs to be one-to-one.
Dried cherries, marcona almonds, Orbit peppermint gum.
Snack protocols written into his contract.
Ah.
Good luck.
We are all begging for more "COK."
I mean "Crown of Kings,"
of course is C-O-K.
I never said that acronym out loud.
I always just read it, alone in my head.
Your fans are dying for the next book.
No, no, no, definitely done.
You have just built such an enormous readership.
It's a shame to abandon them.
I know what you're trying to do, Charles:
put me in a box.
I'm sorry I can't save Empirical,
but there are plenty of new authors
yet to be discovered who can.
Of course.
You're right.
Princess Pam Pam!
Jesus Christ!
No, just me.
Look at you.
Oh, how my blood runs soft.
Oh my god.
Both dedications are made out "to the sugar in my bowl."
And look, in book four
it's the same Buddhist temple at Borobudur.
Princess Pam Pam fingers her braids
in the same "eager yet determined" way
that Aubrey fingers herself at the end of the book.
And Aubrey's South African boyfriend
and Master Denton both follow the same pattern of
"twitch, giggle, and burst" when they climax.
Oh my god.
So many hot throbbing orbs and humming obelisks.
Aubrey Alexis...
is L.L. Moore.
Ugh.
Redmond, come on.
Is Edward L.L. Moore really Aubrey Alexis?
I told you.
I cannot comment.
But danke for the Cobb salad.
You know, I told your boyfriend that you were with me
when you were actually making out with Connor Bracks
at the Young Lions reading last month.
You owe me.
Even if I did know, I would've already signed a very scary,
very serious, on the life of my pug, airtight NDA.
Well, could you maybe wink twice
if "yes" accidentally for us?
Look, Nancy Drew and leggier Nancy Drew.
You really should just "beware the wrath of the sky,"
you feel me?
What did you just say?
I just casually said
to "beware the wrath of the sky."
Don't make a big deal about it.
Well, we've had a change of heart about Aubrey Alexis,
and we would love to publish the book.
Too late.
Lena Dunham's imprint
has been looking for their own "big O."
All I had to do was mention
there was masturbation with a new object in every chapter,
and Lena made an offer.
You already shopped it?
Kelsey,
when I tell you to take something off the market,
I want you to take it off the market.
Perhaps next time you will trust me to live and speak my truth.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
Edward L.L. Moore
is Empirical's biggest money maker by far.
We cannot let him go to another publisher,
even with a book written under a pseudonym.
I have a plan B. It makes me sick but...
Well, you can't take those on an empty stomach.
That's key.
You have an actual plan, not the pill.
Never mind.
You know, I've always wanted to date a nice Jewish girl.
I'm not so sure about the "nice" part.
Yeah, I just think it's so cool how you've managed
to hold on to your faith and your sexuality.
Well, there are a lot of Orthodykes in Brooklyn.
So it helps.
You know, the nuns at St. Mary's
almost scared me straight.
I'm so glad they didn't.
Well, well, well.
- Look who it is. - Hey!
Maggie, this is one of my best friends, Sarah.
Also the ex.
Oh, the ex turned BFF.
I have many of you, Sarah.
Yeah?
- I've heard a lot about you. - Oh.
I can't believe I've never seen you out before.
I mean, I'm always here.
Well, I've been focused on my tomato patch.
Who needs a bar when you belong to a community garden?
Well, not exactly our community.
Sarah is the one I was telling you about
who owns the Halal Spiritual Spa on Kent Street.
It's just a place for our group to gather at night.
Light some candles, splash around.
It's very exclusive.
Mm. Sounds nice.
Malks, are you coming tomorrow night
for the full moon kavanot?
I'll call you.
Well,
it was very nice to finally meet the famous Maggie.
_
Sorry, work.
So, how did you know it was me?
Well, I didn't at first.
But I immediately knew it couldn't be a first-time writer.
It was too masterful.
But then I wondered, "what female writer"
possesses that kind of literary prowess
"but would need to hide behind a pseudonym?"
I mean, it couldn't be J.K. Rowling...
again.
Well, that was your first mistake.
You assumed it had to be a woman.
Of course.
Everyone will.
So what finally led you to me?
"Oh, how my blood runs soft."
- Ah. - You wanted to be found.
And you are diabolically clever.
I'm curious.
How do you manage to get inside the mind of a young woman
with such incredible insight?
It started as a writing exercise.
I needed to get as far away from "Crown of Kings" as possible,
all those dwarves and beheadings.
And one morning, her voice just came to me.
This young woman overflowing with desire.
There was so much she needed to say,
and as I liberated Aubrey,
she was liberating me.
That's actually really beautiful.
Yes, it is.
What about Charles?
Did he figure this out too?
Charles actually has no idea that I'm here.
Good.
Aubrey is very dear to my heart.
Leaving her vulnerable to the public would be devastating.
I'm as excited about bringing Aubrey Alexis
to the world as you are.
And I'm not sure people will find her
as inspiring and empowering
in the ways of the female orgasm if they knew...
Your secret is safe...
is all I mean to say.
Good.
But before I go with you, Pam Pam,
there's one more thing you have to do for me.
What's that?
Double your original offer.
Charles, do you have a minute?
Yeah, sure.
In light of new developments,
Millennial would like to acquire "Me, Myself, and O."
Liza and I feel it is a ground-breaking story,
and that women of all ages will connect
with its honesty and its uniquely female message.
But we would have to double the offer to outbid Lena Dunham.
We already passed on this.
What's changed besides a competition with Lena Dunham?
Legally, we're not allowed to say.
I really don't have time for this today.
I got to jump on a conference call.
We have to get this book.
Please, trust me.
Liza, I...
Aubrey is not an unknown author.
She's someone in the Empirical family
we don't want making a relationship
with another publisher.
Who?
I can't tell you more,
but she's not who she says she is.
She's an old soul,
if you know what I mean,
and kind of mannish.
Okay, um,
she has a very large personality
and a really, scary laugh.
Chelsea Handler?
Um...
That's not possible.
Thank you for coming to me with this.
Make the offer, whatever it takes.
I don't care if the book sells,
we have to keep him in-house and happy.
Her.
He can't find out I told you or...
Now it's your turn to trust me.
Oh, what's up with the poncho?
I'm thinking about letting Josh get under it
in Prospect Park.
Oh, you have come so far.
- I am proud of you. - Mm.
Listen, I was just coming in here
to ask you a huge and embarrassing favor.
Do you think you could put Josh on hold for just a couple hours
and come to a Spiritual Spa with me?
Come again?
I'm having lesbian drama.
Oh.
Yeah, I met the ex.
Heavy duty. Toes have never seen polish.
- Opposite of you. - 100%.
And she still has feelings for Malkie.
I mean, it's obvious,
and they're naked at some Spa together.
I hate to admit that it bothers me, but it bothers me.
I just feel like an emo teen.
You know what, let's do it.
Just let me put some underwear on first.
Hi.
What kind of bathhouse is this?
I don't know.
Would you like to check your wig?
Oh no, honey, this is my hair.
Oh.
_
I'm sorry.
Let's do this.
I'm not sure we're really supposed to be here.
You know what, there's Malkie and Sarah.
I'm going in.
Okay.
There's a shiksa in the mikveh!
Run!
I'm so sorry.
You know, I didn't realize.
I mean, in my defense, she said "spiritual."
I didn't realize it was a full-blown Jewish thing,
you know?
I thought you knew about the mikveh.
That's why I didn't invite you.
Now I feel like a total stalker, you know.
That's like so not me, you know?
I haven't liked somebody like this in so long,
and now you're probably
never gonna want to see me again.
Hey.
Mm.
Honestly, I would be jealous as hell
if you were naked anywhere with your ex.
From now on, I am not leaving you out of anything,
holidays, prayers.
Do you have plans tomorrow night?
- What's tomorrow night? - It's sort of a ritual.
Do you have cleats?
Okay, I'm gonna drop this off at Redmond's for Aubrey to sign.
- Oh, we did it, girl. - I know.
This could be huge for Millennial.
Okay, I know.
Let's not jinx it by over-celebrating.
Okay, maybe just a hand hug?
Okay.
All right, that's good. That's good.
Okay, yeah. Then we're done.
I'm just saying good night.
That was a big save, Liza.
You mean a big acquisition of an unknown author.
I only break this out for special occasions.
To Aubrey.
May she sell like Edward.
Cheers.
My grandfather always said
the true joy of publishing
is taking pleasure in each project.
Hmm.
It wasn't about making money for him.
It was like collecting art.
But at least in this business
there's a chance you'll come across a piece of art
while trying to make money, right?
Yeah.
Every now and then,
something really unexpected comes along.
I've been waiting for you in the lobby.
I am so sorry.
I just have to
grab some mockups from Art.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
- Sorry. - Drinks at work?
Oh, uh...
yeah, we were kind of celebrating.
Well, I know Charles thinks you're very valuable.
Oh, good.
It's always nice to know when the boss likes you.
I mean, likes your work...
as an employee.
Tell me about yourself, Liza.
Oh, where do I start?
At the beginning.
I would love to know everything there is to know
about the young woman who spends so much time
with the man that I am just...
crazy about.
Ready?
Well, we'll have to grab lunch sometime.
Sounds great.
Good night.
- Good night. - Good night.
You know what? Hand me my mitt.
You own a mitt?
Of course. It's in my duffle.
Duffle?
Shut up.
What's your game plan here, Mags?
I have no idea.
Well, you know they can run,
just don't let them get on base.
All right!
Let's get this show started, ladies!
I must really like Malkie.
I think you do!
Well, you know, babe.
This isn't really the kind of away game
I was thinking about but...
Oh, you were thinking more like...
Uh... yeah.
Are you serious?
You thought I just came here to watch softball?
All right!
Yes!
Maggie!
I love you.
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -