[epic music over TV]
Damn! Wha... so he's dead, right?
No, he's the lead. He can't be dead.
- [sighs] - Right?
[sighs]
_
[soft laughter]
Hey, I thought you wanted to, you know,
Netflix and chill tonight.
Ye... babe.
You know that means sex, right?
[laughs]
- We shouldn't tonight. - What?
Why not?
I just don't think it's a good idea.
- [sighs] - Period.
Oh.
Wa... It's not a problem.
You know, I have a designated towel
for these occasions.
It has, like, a really busy pattern on it, so...
- Hey, hey. - What?
Just give me a couple days, okay?
[exhales] Yeah.
I get it.
It's like a...
generational thing, you know?
[upbeat pop music builds]
♪ ♪
[upbeat pop music]
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -
You know, maybe it is a generational thing.
David was just always so weird about it.
Oh, I bet he'd send you into the woods
until the end of your moon.
You've never had period sex?
Not on purpose. Have you?
Well, if you're a lesbian, you have to go with the flow,
otherwise you're celibate for half the month.
Oh, I never thought about that.
And you don't even want to see
when I sync up with a girlfriend.
My bed looks like a crime scene.
Thanks for the warning.
Hey, we've finally synced up, haven't we?
Yeah! Happy day two.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[jewels clatter]
[knocking]
[drill whirring, hammering]
Wha...
[drill whirring]
[whirring continues]
What the hell is going on in here?
Sorry.
No, you're not.
City ordinances clearly state
you cannot begin construction before 8:00 a.m.
It is 7:53, and it sounds like a drone strike in here.
So tell me why I shouldn't call the co-op president
right this very second.
Honey, unless you woke up
spackled and pressed like that,
you've been at work for a while too.
"Spackled"?
No, it looks good.
I won't tell on you.
Listen, we got a deadline to hit.
The guys got here early, so I had them get started.
Well, have them get stopped
until 8:00 a.m.
[electric guitar music]
Guys. Cut the noise.
♪ ♪
- What you looking for? - [sighs]
Well, I was looking for my assistant,
but now I'm looking for a sweetener
that won't give me cancer.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I stopped at the tailor on my way in
to check on your gown for the opera.
Oh, and Feliciano is all set to do your hair that night.
Do I need to do anything for your date?
Do you know who you're bringing yet?
Still TBD, Liza.
Diana. I was looking for you.
Oh?
Bryce is going to sit in on this morning's
- staff meeting. - Oh.
We just need to indulge him a little.
Listen to his ideas.
Keep an open mind.
Of course.
[playful music]
♪ ♪
"P is for Pigeon," our lead title this season,
is just weeks away from launching.
It is the story of the world's last passenger pigeon
and a powerful meditation on the...
extinction of the American middle class.
How are the preorders so far?
Slightly lower than we'd hoped,
but 5,000 should put us on the "Times" Best Seller list,
and that is definitely within reach.
I have put a call in to the Audubon Society
for a bird-watching and reading doubleheader
at The Cloisters.
Got it. Can Millennial discuss their IP?
We are planning a college tour
for "The Deciding Decade."
And?
And, uh, we really want to find the next Warsan Shire.
Nobody's breaking poets right now,
except Beyoncé. Dead end.
There.
Your next authors.
What's up? I'm Kray.
And I'm Tay.
- And we're... - Both: The Stoopid Girls!
[babbling]
- Tay. - Hey?
Are you wearing an adult diaper?
Uhh... yeah, I am!
Wait, so are you.
Oh, my God!
Both: Chonie chug challenge!
First one to leak through their Depends
is the winner.
- Chugs. - Chugs, mm-mm.
Okay, here I go.
[strains]
There's another 14 minutes of this?
I can scrub through to the end
if you want to see who wins.
I'm not sure this is
on brand for us.
Great books come from great ideas.
We shouldn't be precious about the source.
And what ideas do these girls in...
diapers have?
They have 5 million subscribers.
If even 1/100 of a percent of them buys the book,
they're on the "Times" Best Seller list.
Right?
That is their manager's contact.
I hate talking on the phone. What's wrong?
Comment below if you've ever puked.
[belching]
[car horn honks]
Could The Stoopid Girls really write a book?
I mean, would they even want to?
To make that much money being stupid,
you have to be at least a little bit smart, right?
Yes, exactly, and if they're thirsty enough
to make 187 videos this year, they'll be down
for any platform that feeds them more attention.
Snap 'em now while they're still just Internet famous.
Oh, we emailed their manager.
We just haven't heard back yet.
Oh, they're probably just busy prepping for VidPop.
- VidPop? - Mm-hmm.
It's a YouTuber convention
at the Javits Center this week.
There's a YouTuber convention?
No, there are dozens of them,
and they're insanely popular.
I had to promise the firstborn I'm never having to get
Hector and Dorff to be the official jockstrap
of the VidPop gift bags.
Ugh. I'll get you passes.
Great.
[coaster buzzing]
[sighs] Did we have to come
this close to Beth Israel to meet Max?
And did we have to come here?
I told you, with a doctor, you got to take it
whenever and however you can get it.
You know, whether it's sex
or a tequila-lime chicken finger.
We've hooked up in the on-call room
three times this week.
Lucky you.
So anytime,
anywhere?
What if you're...
you know...
[quietly] having your period?
[laughs] Why'd you whisper that?
I don't know... I'm just a...
I'm just asking a follow-up question, never mind.
No, no, no. It hasn't come up yet.
But the only thing I don't do on my period
is a yoga inversion.
So everything else is on the table?
Wait, is Josh anti-period sex?
No, that's offensive.
I thought he was so woke.
No, he is.
He... wait, what's woke?
Enlightened, i.e., he's not
terrified of the female body.
Oh, ah, you know what? There's Max; let's ask him.
- No, no-no-no-no-no-no. - [mocking noises]
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey, uh, Max, this is my friend Liza.
- And you remember Kelsey. - Hey, again.
- Nice to meet you, Liza. - Hey.
Um, honey, quick question.
You're cool with period sex right?
[laughs] Yeah.
I knew it.
- [buzzing] - Oh, shit, it's me.
[groans] I got to get back.
My attending's letting me do the episiotomy
on a tiny woman having a huge baby, so...
- Bye. - Bye.
So? What do you guys think?
Oh.
- He seems really nice. - Yeah.
He... uh, he was super cute.
Nice handshake.
You know, it says a lot.
It does, it does.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys get him.
[playful musical flourish]
[thudding]
[clanging and thudding]
- [tools banging loudly] - God damn it!
You are at least 45 minutes
past the legal cutoff time to be working.
It's not even that late.
I read 15 books a week for work.
That is impossible to do with you
jackhammering away over here.
Do you even know what a jackhammer is?
- I'm gonna call the board. - All right, slow down.
No, I don't need to slow down.
What I need is peace.
What I need is privacy.
What I... Honey.
What you need
is to get fucked.
[metal clanging]
[upbeat sultry music]
[moaning]
Go, go, that way, that way.
[moaning]
[upbeat pop music]
♪ ♪
Okay, I have never felt so old in my life.
Ah... me neither.
Okay, The Stoopid Girls are on in an hour.
Ugh, but maybe somebody else has a book you could sell?
Oh, God, I hope not.
[chuckles]
- All right, come on, let's go. - Yeah.
[electronic pop music]
♪ ♪
Hey, guys!
My name is Soy Random
because I'm...
- All: Soy random! - Yeah!
I've been eating way too many gluten-free cupcakes
so I made this exercise bike to mix them up
so I don't feel bad about eating all of them!
[laughter]
Oh, my God, she's Soy Random.
[upbeat music]
All right, anything can be hacked.
If you just use your brain, okay?
Anything.
I couldn't get a date
until I figured out how to hack
the vagina! Am I right?
- [chuckles] - Ladies,
watch at your own risk.
- Uh! - [gasps]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
Hey, y'all.
- We're the... - Both: Stoopid Girls!
[screaming]
- Ew. - Gross.
Who wants to poke
the Dare Bear?
Crowd: Me! Me!
Oh?
Hey, look at this.
Noob1993 dares me to wax off
- one of my eyebrows. - [laughs]
- That's so stupid! - So stupid!
- Oh, yeah. - Do me up, Tay!
Waxing it on.
Wax it on.
Wax it off.
[both groaning]
Should I do it?
Come on!
Three.
Two.
All: One!
[crowd groans]
- Yeah! - [screaming]
- [grunting] - That was so stupid!
[grunting]
They're gonna save the publishing industry?
Ah... Ah...
[upbeat music]
- [catcalling] - Oh, yeah!
I wonder if Bryce would be into a lifehacker book,
but, like,
like a sexy one?
I don't think you should let
anyone who calls themselves a lifehacker
anywhere near your coin purse.
Oh, ooh. Guys, we're up, we're up.
- Come on, move it along. - Yeah, go, go. Go, go, go.
Hey, dummies.
Hi. I'm Liza,
- and this is Kelsey... - Hey.
And we're from Millennial Print.
We'd love to talk to you about doing a book.
- Really? - But...
how can I write a book if I never learned how to read?
Wait, where'd you say you guys were from?
Millennial, it's a imprint with Empirical Publishing.
Bah! Big words hurt my brain stub.
- Picture time! - Whoo!
- Oh.
- Ha-ha. - Yay. Okay.
- Oh. - All right, let's go.
Uh, do you think you can
center the jockstrap on your... on your chin?
But then I'm gonna get teabagged
by this big nasty thing.
Yep... no, just so they can read it on Instagram.
Dude, it's, like, three grand for social media posts.
My manager will kill me.
Okay, I'm just gonna sneak one.
- Go, take her off. - Real quick, I'm sneaking one.
- Buh-bye. - Okay. Bye.
[exhales]
Uh, excuse me?
Uh, you're from Millennial Print, right?
You're... Tay?
Uh, Taylor.
Nice to actually meet you.
Um, look,
I don't know if you would be into this at all,
but I actually have a novel that I started when I was at Iowa,
and I just, like, never did...
You went to the Writers' Workshop?
Yeah.
Yeah, um, this whole Stoopid Girls thing was
supposed to be, like, a goof.
Wow, this is... not what I was expecting.
I'm so grateful for it,
but I just... I feel kind of boxed in now.
And my manager says that dense historical fiction
isn't trending, so for now, I'm stuck
acting like a drunk child
while I pay off the rest of my student debt.
You know what? Um...
Send me a few chapters of your novel.
I would love to read it.
Oh, my God.
Really?
Thank you so much. That would mean so much to me.
You have no...
Now slowly back away.
[playful music]
Just... just trust me.
♪ ♪
[screaming]
Selfie? Hello.
♪ ♪
It's a historical novel about Theodora,
the empress who went from prostitute to power
during the Byzantine era.
Oh, I think I know a drag queen by that name.
- [laughs] - Very funny.
She's so cute when she nerds out over books,
- isn't she? - No.
This is about more than a book.
I mean, if this hits,
she could finally be who she really is
and stop pretending every day.
Oh. Hmm.
[both laugh]
Are you going home or you wanna... [tsks]
- Ugh... I just... I think... - Oh, all right.
No, it's good, it's good.
I got a full sleeve tattoo to do in the morning,
so I'm gonna go home and sketch.
Okay.
Good night.
- Good night, ladies. - Bye.
Good night.
- Girl. - Ugh, I know.
Am I a prude?
Uh, a little bit.
But, you know, sooner or later,
your desire to get laid is gonna trump
your desire for your awkward modesty.
And you're just gonna go for it.
Yeah?
Probably.
Now, come on. It's our heavy flow day.
I want to get home before we get mauled by a bear.
Ha!
[tool clanking]
Excuse me.
[drill whirring]
It is after 7:00 p.m.
And you know the rules.
You're not gonna get off
- so easily this time. - [tools clanking]
So put down your big tool
and stop all that...
pounding.
You done?
You're liable to
flood the basement?
I don't... know... if that...
♪ I'm fabulous, I'm major ♪
♪ All you other girls in danger ♪
♪ I'm fabulous, I'm major ♪
- I know. - Good morning, ladies.
Hi.
She's smiling.
With both rows of teeth.
[phone ringing]
Oh, no, thank you.
I had one when I came in. Here.
Is there a problem with the opera tickets?
No. I want you to have them.
Take your boyfriend or...
whatever it is you're doing now, I can't keep track.
Enjoy the opera.
But your dress?
And Feliciano...
I already called him.
I'm busy tonight. There's some
construction in my building I need to
stay on top of.
- Well, I'd be happy to... - No, Liza!
This is something I need to supervise personally.
Enjoy the opera.
[playful music]
♪ ♪
Bryce will be here in a minute.
Oh, cool.
- Oh. - Uh, I'm in the wrong room.
No, no, no. This is Tay... lor.
Uh, you might recognize her
as one half of The Stoopid Girls.
I thought I cancelled that when I read the chapter.
I'm... I'm supposed to be on a VR meeting with Venmo.
I'm acquiring Venmo. Don't tell anyone.
Wait, Br... Bryce, why... why would you cancel the meeting?
The chapter was great.
Great disappointment.
Who wants to read historical fiction from a Stoopid Girl?
Feminist historical fiction.
I love feminist historical fiction.
Ask Doris Kearns Goodwin.
I have her number. She's a huge fan of mine.
But she can't do "smell my finger" like she can.
Are you okay?
Kray and I are starting the
human pincushion challenge in an hour, so
I may as well get started.
See, now, that's stupid. That's your brand.
Maybe we can do something with that.
It's for digital, and MTV already bought it.
Oh, my meeting is at Venmo.
Don't tell anyone.
I am so sorry. Excuse me.
[hip-hop instrumental music]
♪ ♪
That was very rude.
You tried to game the system.
Clever. I'll give you that.
You wanted a YouTube author.
Liza, relax.
You're an asset, okay? Your job is safe.
Why wouldn't it be?
Because I'm recommending we cut staff
by 45% next quarter.
Not you, just the old people.
Like Diana.
Empirical has to change.
Uh, can you?
Your nostrils are flaring.
I... I should have softened that.
Spectrum.
♪ ♪
[elegant orchestral music]
- Babe, am I underdressed? - [chuckles]
People are wearing capes.
- That's 'cause she's a vampire. - Ah.
[laughs] Is it free?
Yeah, it's a benefit.
Everything's free.
Thanks. Cheers, babe.
[glasses clink]
They all go to the same plastic surgeon?
'Cause they all look exactly the same.
Inbreeding.
The 1% likes to keep the bloodlines closed.
Ah.
♪ ♪
Wait, isn't that your boss?
Yeah, should we go say hi?
Uh, no. No-no-no.
Uh, he's on a date.
Huh. Good for him.
She's hot.
Actually, I'm gonna go use the restroom.
- I'll meet you inside. - All right.
[sultry pop music]
♪ Call me up, baby, call me up, call me up ♪
♪ ♪
Excuse me?
Uh, where is the, uh,
plumber?
Who, Enzo?
He's already moved on to the next jobsite in Westchester.
What? [whirring]
Pipe's been laid, ma'am.
[whirring continues]
♪ ♪
[yelps]
♪ ♪
[wrench clangs]
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[sprightly orchestral music]
Liza.
Charles, hi.
- Hi. - Wow, um.
I... I didn't know you were gonna be here.
This is such a surprise.
Diana gave me tickets.
How wonderful.
Do you need a hand with that?
Yes, I do...
Do you mind?
♪ ♪
[zipper buzzing]
♪ ♪
Charles.
Radha. This is, uh,
a colleague of mine. Liza Miller.
Ah, it's lovely to meet you.
Oh, you too.
And what do you do at Empirical?
Oh, I'm just an assistant.
She's being modest.
Liza's co-running our Millennial imprint.
How did it go today with those Internet stars?
The Stoopid Girls.
A favor to our new investor,
a young guy in tech.
And Liza's imprint is the
shiny penny that keeps him interested in Empirical.
That's me.
Shiny penny.
Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something
- that Bryce said today... - Liza.
Hi.
Figured I'd hit the bar before we go in.
Josh, you remember Charles.
Yeah, nice to see you again.
You too.
- Uh, this is Radha. - Pleasure.
Hi. [bell chiming]
Oh, we should take our seats.
Have fun tonight.
Both: You too.
Please.
♪ Try to keep your arms up ♪
♪ Watch the ceiling light up ♪
[lively opera music]
[man singing operatically]
[sighs] That was fun.
Never again, though, right?
[chuckles]
[singing operatically]
♪ ♪
Man.
Good thing I already ordered a Lyft.
Denang will be here in 11 minutes.
- Come on, this will be faster. - What?
Okay.
[singing operatically]
♪ ♪
We can go to the opera
whenever you want.
[opera music flourishes]
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -