Previously on Two and a Half Men...
I am determined to find
someone who wants to be with me
for who I am, not what I have.
My point is you can be whoever you want to be.
I can help you out with that.
I appreciate it... Kate.
Sam Wilson.
Maybe you could crash here.
Have you really thought this through?
I got to see where this goes with Kate.
I think it is great
that you're working on your computer stuff,
but we need help now.
Say no more.
I'll start looking for a job.
Hey.
Oh, look who finally decided to show up.
Uh, yeah, I got stuck in traffic.
Traffic, pfft.
You were with her, weren't you?
Really, Alan?
Well, I don't mean to sound like a broken record,
but you're never home anymore.
I was just there the other night.
And all you did was watch the game
and fall asleep. Remember how we used
to stay up all night and just talk?
Okay, you know, fine, we can talk now.
What's on your mind?
Nothing. I'm fine.
I'm not a mind reader, Alan.
Well, not that you care, but...
I'm rattling around in that big house
all by myself.
I miss you. There, I said it.
I miss you, too.
Well, you got a funny way of showing it.
You do understand I have a girlfriend, right?
So do I.
A-Another peach mojito, please.
What are you drinking? It's on me.
And by "on me," I mean the money
you left me to pay the bills,
which, incidentally, I used for other stuff,
so I'll need money to pay the bills.
I'll have a ginger ale, please.
Ginger ale?
Yeah, my stomach's been bothering me.
I haven't really been feeling myself lately.
Which self would that be?
Walden Schmidt or Sam Wilson?
Sam Wilson has a lot of stress.
Thank you.
Money's tight.
You'd be surprised what that does to a guy.
Please, I've been so desperate for money,
I've climbed into fountains at night
and stolen the wishes of children.
So you get it.
What I don't get is why you don't
resolve the stress and just tell Kate the truth.
That's not gonna happen.
Why not? I don't know,
everything's going so great,
I don't want to screw it up.
Oh, that's not good.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah... ♪ Men.
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x12 ♪ Welcome to Alancrest Original Air Date on January 3, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ Men. ♪
I don't know whether this is beef or chicken,
but it's definitely worth 79 cents.
What's the matter?
My life has been a complete waste of time.
Otherwise, I'm terrific.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, is this... is this one of
the dresses you made? Mm-hmm.
Why are you throwing it away?
Because, apparently... my stuff's not good enough
to get a job that pays nothing.
You didn't get the internship?
Nope. Rejected by the guy who assists the guy
who designs Snooki's
signature line of baby thongs.
Okay, don't worry, you're gonna get next one.
There is no next one.
I mean, obviously
I don't have what it takes to be a fashion designer.
And at a certain point, I just have to bite the bullet
and admit it is not happening.
But you're not at that point.
Three words:
Snooki's...
baby...
thongs!
I think your designs are great.
You have to say that; I have sex with you.
True.
But if I was a woman, I would totally wear this dress.
Hell, three shots of tequila
and I would wear this dress.
And I would work it!
Okay, don't make me laugh when I'm trying to cry.
Too late, because I am fierce.
I love you, Sam.
Uh, you have to say that; I have sex with you.
Okay, the real test is,
will you have sex with me wearing that dress?
You get the tequila, I'll go put on some heels.
Lightly salted, just the way you like.
Mm, thanks.
Who could've seen this coming?
Right.
We end up with the house.
Unbelievable.
You know how I used to say
you'd have to pay me to hang out with you?
Yeah.
Here we are!
Hey, guys.
Mm.!
Oh, Look who it is. Sam Wilson.
Hey, Alan,
can I, can I talk to you for a second?
Oh, sure.
The principal wants to see me. Mm.
Oh, uh, Berta, I brought some laundry by.
Uh, do you mind?
It's your machine. Knock yourself out.
So, what's up?
I'm transferring $100,000 into your bank account.
A hundred... thousand...
Catch me, Lord.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
I-I think I need to sit down.
Yeah, yeah. I...
I-I could swear that I heard you say
you were gonna put $100,000 into my account.
I am.
There it goes again.
It's-it's like the teacups at Disneyland.
How can I ever thank you?
The money's not for you, it's for Kate.
Next time, lead with that.
I want you to invest in her fashion designs.
What? She's really talented,
but nobody will give her a shot.
Are you sure she's talented?
It isn't just boom-shaka-laka-laka,
boom-shaka-laka-laka?
I'm about to give you a boom-shaka-laka.
No, $100,000 will help her start her company.
So give it to her. I can't.
I'm Sam Wilson. I'm broke.
But you can, because you're
Alan Harper, billionaire.
Oh...
Fashion's kind of risky.
And Alan Harper did not become a billionaire
by taking unnecessary risks.
You are taking an unnecessary risk right now.
No, I-I'm just saying that I'd rather put my money into gold,
or maybe start a vineyard.
Alancrest.
You know, fine, when you make $100,000--
I don't even have to finish that.
I-I want my money invested in Kate.
Okay, no problem.
But I'll have to see some of her sketches first.
Alan.
What? You want this to be believable, don't you?
Okay, fine.
Have us over tomorrow night.
Ooh, kind of short notice.
Alan!
Can't we do this at your house?
This is my house!
Awfully rude for a guy who wants my money.
It's like you've never washed a dish in your life.
What are you talking about?
There's still SpaghettiOs on this plate.
Well, you're the one that wanted to be all fancy
and said we couldn't eat them straight out of the can.
Ugh.
Oh, speaking of fancy, I saw Alan today.
Ew.
It was actually a really interesting conversation.
He's looking for some new investments.
He should go and buy himself a better personality.
Nobody's that rich.
Uh, but I did tell him that you're trying to start
your own fashion company.
Oh, Sam, you didn't.
Oh, but I did.
Well, he's in a position to help you.
I don't want his help.
Unless I'm gonna start a line called
House of Douche.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm sure that name's already taken.
Hey, he could be the answer to all your problems.
Oh, I don't know.
Before you say no,
he invited us over tomorrow night
so you can show him your designs.
Really think he'd invest in me?
He'd have to be an idiot not to.
But he is an idiot.
True.
Give it a chance?
All right.
I'll do it.
Great. Oh, did I mention that if you take his money,
you have to sleep with him?
I'm kidding; I'll totally do him.
Ah! Sam, Kate.
Welcome to Alancrest.
W-Why are you wearing pajamas?
I'm rich. I can.
Mm. You have a beautiful home.
It'll work until my castle's finished.
Entrez-vous.
Uh, that's French for "enter, you."
Oh, look,
my panoramic ocean view.
You can follow my seagulls on Twitter.
Hashtag, "Gulls gone wild."
Oh, ah, delightful!
Thank you, Berta. That will be all.
Damn right it will!
She's been with the family for years.
They say you're not really rich
until you have servants who hate you.
Uh, Alan, Kate brought her portfolio to show you.
Oh, yes!
Kate, please take a seat.
Take my breath away!
Oh, I'd love to.
I made some new sketches just for you.
Uh, yeah, she's been working really hard on them.
I-I think you're really gonna like what you see.
No offense, Sam,
but look at the way you dress.
Mm.
All right.
Oh, it's-it's nice.
No, I-I like what you did here.
Thank you.
Uh, cap sleeves are last season, but,
you know, okay.
Oh, you know, I'm kind of done
with rompers, but I understand what you're going for.
Oh, oh.
Velvet.
Kind of whorish.
- Excuse me? - Okay.
You know what, uh, Kate, why don't you run out to the car
and grab some of your samples.
I think Alan would love to see them.
Yeah, sure.
Just hope they're not too whorish.
Yeah.
Let's leave that to Lady Gaga.
Ow!
What the hell is the matter with you?
Me? She's the one who paired an empire waist
with a Peter Pan collar!
You're supposed to be a simple rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.
Hey, hey, you have your character, I have mine.
Well, your character is a festering heap of human waste!
I think we both know, if I had money, I'd be the biggest
festering heap of human waste that ever lived!
All you have to do is tell her that you want to invest
and give her my $100,000.
Well, fine, but velvet is whorish.
Okay, here we are.
Uh, let's see.
This is a cute, little shift
that goes from day to night.
I love them all! What?
You-you haven't even seen them.
I've seen all I need to see, Kate.
I want to invest in your line of clothing.
Really?
Yes! Now tell me,
what's our business plan?
Well, it depends. If I had enough money,
I'd put a show together for Fashion Week in New York.
That way, I'd be able to...
Sounds great. Pack your bags for New York,
because I'm gonna write you a check for $50,000.
What?!
Sam, did you hear that?
Uh, yeah, I did.
What's the-- $50,000?
I-I know it's a lot.
But I believe in her, and I want to take a chance.
Uh, well,
if you really believe in her, maybe you'd...
maybe you'd like to invest a little bit more.
Sam.
No, no, no.
He's right.
I'm gonna hate myself for this.
But what the heck.
$60,000.
I can't believe Alan gave me $100,000.
I can't believe it took him two hours to do it.
Thank you.
What are you thanking me for?
Because I know none of this would've happened without you.
I just introduced you.
Your whorish velvet did the rest.
You are the sweetest...
most generous...
open, giving...
caring, genuine person I've ever met, Sam Wilson.
That's me.
Good old Sam Wilson.
This whole thing... is incredible.
I am so excited.
Me, too.
Are you sure?
What do you mean?
Well, it just seems like, um,
Little Sam doesn't have his head in the game.
Um...
Yeah.
I...
Maybe I just need a minute.
Okay.
Do you think I'm fat?
Alan.
Wake up.
Mm... what, what?
Walden.
What-what am I doing in your bed?
I... I-I must have been sleepwalking, I...
Relax, Alan, I just want to talk.
What's going on?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
I... I haven't been able to sleep lately.
In fact, my whole life
is falling apart.
I'm, like, I'm losing my hair, I'm gaining weight,
I'm all itchy and twitchy, I...
I haven't had a solid stool in a week.
So far, you're describing my typical Tuesday.
The worst part is...
I can't get an erection.
All right, just let me brush my teeth.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh...
What?
Oh, uh, yeah, you know,
I'm kind of, I'm kind of half-asleep.
Yeah, wow.
Wow, that's a... that is a problem.
Yeah, yeah.
Has this ever happened to you before?
Oh, me? No, no.
I, uh, I have amazing control.
Wait, watch this.
Got an erection.
Now it's gone.
Back.
Gone.
Are you done?
Back.
Gone.
Look, every guy has this happen at some point.
It's never happened to me before and it's driving me crazy.
You know, it's possible that the problem is not in your pants.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
The problem is definitely in my pants.
No, look at you.
I mean, the stress of living a lie
is causing you to just fall apart.
You're binge eating.
No, I am not binge eating.
You get a free candy bar when you buy four corn dogs.
That's just smart shopping.
This all started when you became Sam Wilson,
and I submit to you that he's the one
who can't pop his weasel, not Walden Schmidt.
Why don't you just tell Kate the truth?
I'm afraid if I'm honest with her now,
she'll just leave me.
Okay, well, if you want your boner back,
you're gonna have to, you know, tell her the truth
and trust that the strength
of your love will carry you through...
Or?
Or you're gonna need a little help.
All right, go brush your teeth.
I'm kidding!
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause-'cause that'd be weird.
Look, what I meant was that I happen
to know a 65-year-old man
who'll give you a stiffy in no time.
Okay, that also sounded weird.
And it's back.
All right, Walden, how hard do you want it?
Redwood tree, tungsten steel or Chinese algebra?
I'm not looking to frighten anybody.
Really?
I like eyes to widen when I unsheathe the sword.
Well, tell you what.
Why don't I just put together a little grab bag for you.
I got one of those.
I call it "boner roulette."
You never know what you're gonna get,
but you're a wiener every time.
I'm gonna start you off
with a couple of pink ones here.
These are good for a mid-week quickie.
And these green ones
I recommend for solo work.
Oh!
This one I call "Ouch."
That's her, not you.
Oh, oh, the purple ones.
I couldn't remember where I lived for a week.
Knocked on every door in the neighborhood,
and not with my hand.
And, Walden,
this last one I'm throwing in here, um,
just take half of it, because, technically,
it's "only for horses."
Don't... don't I need a prescription for these?
What are you, a cop?
Don't worry, Russell, he's cool.
Okay, well,
there you go.
And since you're a friend of a friend,
I should read you the possible side effects.
"Headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, facial flushing,
"inflamed bursa sac, vertigo, fits of rage,
"homicidal, patricidal, matricidal
"and suicidal thoughts, stroke, anal leakage,
"explosive diarrhea, nipple discoloration, death,
and difficulty achieving an erection."
Huh.
That explains my yellow nipples.
You know what?
Maybe I'll just go with the basic little blue pill.
Well, suit yourself, Sally.
Here you go.
Don't want these to go to waste.
That little waitress down at Ruby Tuesday's
is never gonna know what hit her.
♪ Men. ♪
Sam?
What's going on?
Guess who's back.
Well, hello!
I haven't seen you in a while.
Hey, Kate, I've missed you.
Okay, that's creepy.
I'm gonna stop doing that.
Good, because I can't stay
and I wouldn't want you to think it's because I wasn't enchanted
by your talking penis.
Where you going?
I actually just came back to grab some designs.
Plus, I've got a million things to do before I leave
for New York tomorrow, but I promise when I get back tonight,
I will make it up to you.
And you.
Bye.
We'll be here.
Hold me.
Shut up.
Come on, we both know how this ends.
♪ Men. ♪
Are you sure you don't want me
to give you a ride to the airport?
No, Alan's sending a limo.
He's a class act.
Yeah, I just... I just feel like I should come with you.
Sam, I would love for you to come,
but I just wouldn't feel right spending Alan's money
to fly my boyfriend across the country.
And it's not like you or I have the money.
What if I told you I had plenty of money?
I would ask you why you didn't help me instead of Alan.
That would be a fair question.
Honey, you are so sweet.
And hopefully one day, money won't be an issue for us.
Hope you're right.
That's the car.
I got to go.
Um, good luck.
I'll miss you.
I love you, Sam.
My name is Walden Schmidt.
I'm a billionaire.
I love you, too.
I don't care what your name is.
♪ Men. ♪
Hello?
Walden?
Alan?
What do you want?
I'm just checking up on you, buddy.
I'm fine! Go away!
Uh, are you sure?
I haven't seen you in a while.
I tell you, I'm fine!
Why is it so dark in here?
Alan, no!
Holy... fat.
Don't judge me.
You didn't, by chance, bring any nacho cheese, did you?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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