Dad?
Hi, girls.
Mr. Pfefferman.
Mort.
Jesus.
You look awesome.
Thank you, Tammy.
It's been a while.
Yes.
How's... how's mom and dad?
They're good. They're good, yeah.
They... they still... in Phoenix.
Oh, it's a wonderful town, Phoenix.
Dad, what are you wearing?
So I have something to tell you.
Um, oh, okay. So do you guys...
- You want me to leave? - Yes, please.
No, at least...
- You can stay, that's fine. - Please stay.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.
So...
Yes, so...
So...
When I was a kid...
ever since I was... I was five,
I... I felt that something was...
was not right.
And, uh, I couldn't tell anybody
about my feminine side.
It was a different time, you know.
Very different time.
And, uh, pretty girl...
uh, I just, um, I had to keep all...
all of those feelings to myself, and...
- Look, dad... - No, no, let me do this.
Just please, God, let me do this.
People led secret lives.
And people led...
very lonely lives.
And, uh...
then, of course, the Internet was invented...
The Internet. Can't hate on that Internet.
It's magic.
I'm sorry, I... I'm sorry, dad, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying... can you just help me out here?
Are... are you saying that you're going to start
dressing up like a lady all the time?
No, honey, all my life...
my whole life I've been dressing up
like a man.
This is me.
- Hey, professor. - Hello.
Professor Pfefferman?
Is it too late?
Professor Pfefferman?
That was, uh... that was really...
that was brave of her, you know?
It was, it's hard.
Come on, come on.
- Her? - Yeah.
Just, I mean, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, good, Len got the kids.
Oh, that's good. I'm still waiting to hear
from Barb, actually.
- Jesus. - What?
Barb and your daughter are at my house.
Fuck.
God.
P to the I to the z-z-za.
Oh, yeah.
Gimme that shit, lemme see it. Come on.
Come and get it, chickies.
So, uh, I need to know,
what's going on with the sched?
You were able to move that thing around?
No.
Ryan is doing us a huge solid
by even just, like, carving out an hour
to be in the studio with us.
He's leaving for Bonnaroo tomorrow.
I can't reschedule my thing.
Kids, what is more important than recording with Ryan?
What is going on with her? What's up?
I think you should tell him.
Tell me what?
Okay, whatever, fine. Fuck you.
You're making me tell you, but I'm scheduled
to get an abortion.
- 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, - Fuck, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
11, 10,
- 9, 8, 7, 6, - I can't, I can't.
5, 4, 3, 2.
Ooh! Aaahhh!
We got to come up with a new name for our idea
because sexercise.com was taken.
Fuck you, GoDaddy.
- Mmm. Assholes. - Okay, aerobics.
Ass-robics. Work out, work out.
Work... twerk out. Twerkout.com.
That's our thing. Twerkout.com
Do you know how to twerk?
You think I can't twerk?
- I want to see you twerk. - Shit, they invented twerking.
- Hey, Mike's home. - Hello.
Hey, what's up?
You want one of these juices?
- Yeah, yeah. - You must be Stephanie.
- So not Stephanie. - Ali.
Even better.
I'm so much better than Stephanie.
Let me tell you something. A lot of people do this.
- Yeah. - They'll squeeze out the juice.
- Hey, hi, guys. - Really?
- Sorry, so late. - Hey, no problem.
- Hey, Barb. - Sarah.
- Heard a lot about you. - Likewise.
- Hey, hon, how are you doing? - Hey, sweetie.
- Hey, how are you? - I'm good, this is Tammy...
- Hey. - Hi, good to meet you.
- From college. - The famous Tammy Cashman.
- Oh, my God, sure. - Why didn't you take
the covers off of this? It looks so ridiculous.
Well, because we didn't know that this was happening.
I know, but it takes just a second.
Tammy, cold beer for you.
- She doesn't drink. - Water for me, just water.
How was shopping? How did that go?
Pretty hellish, actually. I was going to take her
to find some tiles at Ann Sacks...
Right, and then we had to go all the way
- to the other... - And we didn't even end up getting them.
Hi, hi.
What's your name?
- My name's Grace. - Hi, Grace. I'm Sarah.
It's so nice to meet you.
Oh, my God. - That's Gracie.
- Hi, mommy. - Hi, lovey.
- Hi, mommy. - Hi, honeybun.
- That's Ella, Zack, and... - Colby?
So, Sarah, I was telling Barb about Kenny's place on Oahu.
- Hey, babe. - Yeah?
I'm having trouble pulling up the family calendar.
- Yeah. - Yeah, do you know
- the new spring break dates? - Okay, yep.
Barb's a scratch golfer, and I was thinking
- it would be fun to... - Now you're exaggerating.
- I didn't say that. - She said "Scratch golfer."
How much fun would it be to travel with someone else
- that plays golf? - Yeah.
- Then we could all go. - You're in maps right now.
- Oh, this is maps? - You're in maps.
Oh, my God.
Of course it's yours, are you serious?
- Okay. - That is so rude.
Okay, okay, okay.
I would not have judged you
if you had slept with other people.
- We never had the talk. - Oh, the talk, the talk,
the talk, the talk. Ugh.
Girls don't need the talk.
Only guys need the talk.
I get why you're being so fussy lately.
- I... - I have been fussy
because I have an interloper in my body.
Yeah.
Look, I'm going to drive you home.
We're going to pick up cold stone.
I'll rub your feet.
I'm going to take care of you, okay?
You fucking crazy bitch.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay,
I couldn't sleep either.
- Feels so good. - I'm going to keep kissing you
and see if we can make this van levitate.
Just hang there in the sky.
I'll make time stop.
Oh, my God, we need so much fucking time.
I need to fuck you every day of your life.
Oh, I fucking love you.
I fucking love you, Tammy.
What did you do to me?
I made you come.
That wasn't done.
That was something else.
Holy fuck.
Feel like I'm lying in a pool of water.
- Len and I don't... - Have sex like that?
Have sex.
Yeah, me and Barb either.
So I said: "Okay, now, now, now."
and I looked down at my hand and I was...
my hand was shaking and I just said it.
And so, um... and I'm so sorry I surprised her.
It was... it was...
so tragically impromptu, but there you have it.
I mean, it's... it... it's done, and, um,
we have one down, and we have two to go.
And then, of course,
the rest of North America.
Thanks for sharing, Maura. You did it.
That's all we have time for today.
Remember to try those mindfullness exercises,
and I can't wait to see you all next week.
Let's get a drink. Come on, let's celebrate.
I've got AA after this.
- You have what? - AA, girl.
- Oh, oh. - I'm sober also.
You want a drink?
Oh, I'm... I'm sober, hon, sorry.
That's a lot of us.
- No takers, huh? - No, um, well, you see,
I just don't want to go back
to the crappy old Palisades just now.
I'm feeling...
so celebratory, and I was hoping
I could find a nearby place to
I don't know, have a...
Just a...
You know, festive cocktail.
Can I persuade you to join me in a festive cocktail?
Okay. Well, I can knock off
a little bit early, but I'll tell you what,
why don't we walk to my place
'cause I've got some crackers I need to get rid of.
Walk?
It's utterly Parisian, I'd love to.
You're Davina, right?
- That's right. - I love your name.
- Well, thank you. - Yeah.
You are?
I'm Maura.
Maura.
- Crackers. - Mm-hmm, let's do it.
- Is this every Wednesday? - Every Wednesday.
I don't have any cash at all.
Why are the car seats down?
Oh, I... I moved them when
Tammy and I went to the tile place.
No, no. That one goes over there.
It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
Oh, my God, it goes on the other side.
They like to sit... here, just... fine.
- Switch them. - Fine, fine, fine.
- Here you go, take this. - No, excuse me, can I pass?
- Just take the seat. - Just let me pass
and I'll put it on the other side.
Now we're going to be super late.
I already looked at the time.
You know what, Len? That was the tone thing
that I was talking about, okay?
Seriously, do you want to start a fight now,
or should we wait after we drop
- the kids off at my mom's? - Hey.
Date night turns you into a monster.
Really? Why is this soaked?
Did a Capri-Sun explode back here?
- Zacky, Ella! - My tone?
You want to talk about tone?
I want you to listen to your tone when you talk to me.
I'll get a tape recorder, and I'll play it back for you.
- Yeah, go get a tape recorder. - You can fucking hear it.
I will, I'll find a store.
Good luck. Good luck with that.
It's not my fault.
Well, what does that mean? Did she tell you
she was on birth control?
Was this an accidental on purpose kind of thing?
Do you have any tofu schmear?
- I think so. - Thank you.
Tofu schmear? What the fuck?
I am seeing a trainer, and he says dairy is basically
sludge in your intestines, and I've been walking around
farting all the time, and it's probably the dairy.
Got it.
Is she going to have an abortion?
Of course.
Here, try this, sweetie.
Thank you.
Have you ever gotten anybody pregnant before?
- That chick, Carly. - Oh, she was sad.
Can we have a quarter pound of this, please?
Mom is going to freak if you change the standing order.
I'm not changing it, I'm adding to it.
It's an addition.
Don't you always think about this guy in his apartment?
Like eating dinner in a folding chair
that he cooked on a hot plate,
just in his boxers and shorts.
No, I don't think about that, ever.
Why would you think about that?
I can't help it.
Can I pay up now, please?
Okay, you know what? Fine.
I'll just swing back around,
and pick up his soccer stuff,
and drop it off later.
God, you can hear them from here.
That's 25 minutes out of your way.
- Yeah, happy Sunday. - Yeah.
Let's get the kids out, save the future.
And you wouldn't have to do that
if you'd thought to pack it.
Well, if you'd seen it in the foyer,
I don't understand why you didn't just put it
- into the car. - Because I don't do things
if I'm not being asked to do them
'cause I don't like getting in trouble.
- Anybody else? - Because you're like a child.
Can we take the kids out so you guys can continue
whatever it is that you're doing?
Can you take that? Do you mind?
- I'll take it. - You take it then, you take it.
You take it.
Oh, man.
Are you being serious?
The forecast calls for tears?
Are you not having any fun today?
You're not going to have one ounce of fun?
Ella forgot her dream light.
I got a dream light for you.
One dream light.
Thank you.
Free.
Are you going to be like this all day?
So the other... the other day
when Tammy and I were late,
we were at my dad's place,
you know, we were, like, looking at the house,
and he walked in, and... and he was...
He was dressed as a woman.
Wait, what?
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Hello-oh, Zacky, my...
Sarah and Len will be in in a minute.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, my baby, gorgeous, ever.
- Oh, and you. - Hi.
Hello. Go, go, go, go, go.
Wha... what? Who changed the standing order?
Ali got tofu schmear.
Why'd Ali get tofu schmear?
What about the lox spread? What about the veggie?
Nothing was replaced. It was an "Addition to."
I'm dairy free.
That's good. I'm dairy free too.
- Since when? - Right now.
I've been meaning to cut it out;
makes me very gassy.
Yeah, that's probably where you get it from.
How's Ed?
All he does is stare.
What does the doctor say?
The doctor, the doctor.
What does the doctor say? What does the doctor say?
Ah, I should write a song.
♪ what does the doctor say ♪
Could be like this for the rest of my life.
I could die, and be rotting in my casket
before anyone notices.
Well, you should get help.
Why can't you help? Hmm?
Did you get a job yet?
Hmm?
That's what I thought.
♪ what does the doctor say? ♪
I grew up in Los Angeles.
I did, uh, I don't know, the whole Jewish thing.
It's like musical chairs.
You hit 25, and you just choose the... the one
who's standing closest to you,
and so we had three kids,
and we lived in two houses,
we had so many pets,
and then, finita la commedia.
- Tell me about your kids. - Mm-hmm, yeah.
Sarah, she's my oldest.
I told her,
and she took it... she actually took it...
Oh, this is beautiful.
She took it very well.
Maybe too well, you know.
I think she's internalizing the whole thing,
and next thing, you know, she's going to have shingles.
There's Joshie.
He's my very successful son.
He's in the music business.
He is a very, very, very, very, very, very,
image-conscious, you know, he's always the...
the now thing, and the now restaurant,
and the now, you know, jacket,
and the now sunglasses, and the now girlfriend,
and the now... dungarees.
And then there's Ali, she's my baby.
That girl does not seem to learn, very smart.
99th percentile on her S.A.T.s.
Wow.
Out-of-the-box smart.
She just doesn't seem to be able to...
to land.
Can I go into your room?
- Sure. - It's so pretty.
Mm.
I'm going to sit at your vanity.
You know, sweetie,
this is a really big journey that we're on,
and you've just started on it,
so you've got to learn to let go
of everything anybody thinks of you.
A really, really good friend of mine
said this to me when I first transitioned.
She said, "You know, in five years,
you're going to look up,
and not one of your family members
is still going to be there.
Not one."
Was your friend right?
Yep.
That's so sad.
- Who is it? - Who's that?
Hurry!
Mom needs the aerobed pump. Do you know where it is?
No, why would I know where it is?
Mom's leg is bleeding.
Mom's leg is bleeding?
Yeah, I caught my leg on that slatty thing out there.
- I'll get it. - No, no, no.
- Don't... don't do anything. - I got it for you.
When you get to my age, your skin is like Kleenex.
The legend of Tante Gittel's ring.
Will you come blow this thing up, please?
What's the story with this thing again?
Who is Tante Gittel? Is that Grandma Rose's sister
who was in Treblinka?
Did we really have somebody in Treblinka?
Wasn't it she was, like, waiting in line,
going to her death, and handed it to somebody
right before she walked into the gas chamber?
Put that thing away. Your father tried to propose
to me with that fakakta thing.
And I says... I says, "No way, sir, "
and I made him get me another.
You see them out there?
Arguing like that for a half an hour.
I should put the lox away.
I don't want it to dry out.
Well, so the fuck what?
You know, your dad's always been creepy.
Creepy?
This is not about being creepy.
This is like... this is about being in the wrong body.
I mean, just... can you have a little empathy?
It's like... it's like...
it's like he's been...
it's like he's hiding.
It's like he's been hiding his whole life.
Oh, fuck. Don't tell Ali, okay?
'Cause my dad's not talked to her yet.
What?
Ma'am, ma'am.
I going to have to ask you
to use caution when passing through this area
with our goose population.
Okay, Officer. I'm... I'm just going over here,
using caution.
You guys have to come in at some point.
Are the kids okay?
Just put a movie on, they like frozen.
- They're fine. - We'll be in in a minute.
Oh, my God. What is this?
- It's tofu schmear. - It's disgusting.
I don't want this.
I'm keeping mine. This is tip-top.
- Thank you. - Repulsive.
- Fucking capers. - Please hurry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ali, Ali.
- Hello. - Ali, drop your plate.
Ali.
Ma'am, what you're looking at
is a posturing goose.
Hello. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He will rip your arm off or worse,
for whatever you got on that plate.
Drop it! Drop it!
- To the left! - Go around the bench.
Ali, drop the plate!
Hide the food!
That bird can bite people.
Just drop the plate!
Step back, step back.
Oh, for crying out loud.
My dream light only works
if you close all the blinds first.
Blinds closed.
- This light? - Yeah.
You look like you're under water, Uncle Joshie.
And you look like you're under water.
We're both under water.
Yeah.
This whole house is under the ocean.
Yeah.
And that's good night to Murray.
Oh, my goodness.
He was a sweet old queen.
Come on. Come on in, honey. It's fine.
We all check on each other's mail,
water each other's plants.
I feel it's a little untoward
looky-looing through his place.
It's okay. Murray wouldn't mind, really.
It's fine.
The last vacancy here went for two grand.
Honestly, 2,000 is... is cheap.
Okay, just think.
If we did absolutely nothing,
in like eight months, a person would be here.
A new person who is half of you
- and half of me. - But what about Glitterish?
What about my music career?
You're supposed to be representing me.
I know, but think about
all the possibilities.
Like we could go to Topanga,
we could go to Northern California.
We could get a cabin.
We could have a baby.
We could record there.
We could go to the woods,
and you could just, like, get fat, and, like,
a ripe peach.
I don't want to be a peach.
Okay, look, come here.
Come here. Come on, come on.
Please, have a seat.
Um, okay.
We should get married.
What is that?
It's my Tante Gittel's ring.
I'm pretty sure she died in the Holocaust.
Ew.
"Ew"?
"Ew" to what?
The Holocaust.
"Ew" to the Holocaust?
I mean no girl wants to get proposed to
with a ring that came from the Holocaust.
Hello? Hello?
I just want you to think about it.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -