Tonight, the great, the good and the rubbish
in the Top Gear Awards.
We go on a motoring holiday with the Stig,
and Dr Who travels through space and time
a bit more slowly than usual.
Speed up!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome!
Thank you so much, thank you.
Wow! Now, we begin with James May
who has found a car that seems to make him rather cross.
This is the culprit...
..the Jaguar S-Type.
This car really, really winds me up.
It sums up everything that's wrong with Jaguar.
You see, what they did with the S-Type was to make a car
that they hoped would appeal to Germans and Americans
and, you may ask, what's wrong with that?
Well, quite a lot, actually.
You see, Mr Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is.
He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage
and then go out to Ye Olde Tearooms where we eat some Kendal Mint Cake.
Then maybe we'll go out to a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters in the Tower of London,
to see if we can have our bowler hats back.
It's rubbish!
And Jaguar absolutely pandered to this view with the S-Type.
Just look at that retro grille -
it's gawpingly awful.
Now, I've been banging on about this for years.
And maybe, at last, they've listened.
Because this is the replacement for the S-Type...
Grrr!..the Jaguar XF.
As soon as you look at it you think, Ah, that's more like it.
Look at the new grille and the subtly bulging bonnet
and the gills on the side...!
Then there's the back,
which looks as though it came from the XK.
Sounds like an XK as well. You ready?
IT ROARS
This is the first time since I started this job
that I've been in a Jaguar saloon
and felt that I was in the right decade.
In Beverly Hills your retired dentist,
he's going to have a heart attack because,!That's not a proper Jaguar.!
Well, so be it.
And there are more treats on the inside.
Imagine you're a bank manager.
Now, in the olden days you'd have climbed into your Jaguar,
checked your parting in the polished woodwork of your fascia,
and you'd have been on your way.
Now though...
..the first thing you notice is this red starter button pulsating like a heartbeat.
You touch that once to turn the ignition on,
and you're immediately bathed in this beautiful pale blue light,
Iike something from a funky vodka bar and then, look at that!
Look at those opening.
Put your foot on the brake, press it again to start the engine...
and this thing rises up from the centre console.
That is actually the gear change.
I know none of that is strictly necessary,
but as you watch it you can feel all those years of financial drudgery just falling away,
until your 12 years old and back in the world of Thunderbirds.
However, once you look past all this futuristic garnish,
it's not quite so Tomorrow's World.
Under the skin, the basic structure is from the old S-Type,
and the suspension is from the XK.
The engines are also pretty old hat.
We've still got the V6 diesel, the V6 petrol and the V8 petrol,
with or without the supercharger,
and they've been around for donkey's years.
As Clarkson pointed out when he drove the XK,
you get the sense that Jaguar is pushing the limits not of its technology,
but of its overdraft.
But, if you were to keep any old bits, it'd be these
because for a saloon, this is superb.
It goes like a four-door XK.
It has the supercharger on the 4.2-litre V8,
and it'll do nought to 60 in 5.1 seconds.
But interestingly this isn't the most powerful version they're going to make.
There will be a Jaguar XFR, with even more POWER.
And guess who'll be driving that one.
The BMW M3 is the world's best-selling performance car.
And is driven exclusively by BLEEP.
That doesn't matter. It does, honestly,
because every single one of them talks about marketing and solutions
and they've all got those ridiculous mobile-phone earpieces in. He's right.
The point is there's a new one out.
To see if it's any good, I took it to Spain
to the Stig's favourite holiday resort.
Behind tough security, to keep out the riff raff,
there are pleasant gardens where he can relax,
a pool where he can unwind,
and in the evening a top-notch restaurant,
where he can gorge on meat.
It's a lovely spot with excellent views,
and - oh, yes, nearly forgot -
in the grounds there's a 51/2-kilometre race track.
It was built as a plaything by a Dutch oil billionaire
and features copies of some of the best corners
from other race tracks around the world.
It is a fantastic place.
But the car I'm driving is even better.
TYRES SCREECH
The last M3 had a straight-six engine.
This has a four-litre V8.
But don't think for a minute it's become a big, lazy muscle car.
Yes, it's a big V8, but it revs at 8,300rpm.
It's such a screamer.
That said, it is softer than the old car.
And more forgiving,
but it's also noticeably faster.
Get out of the way.
TYRES SCREECH
That'll be Jeremy then. Here I come.
This is Mercedes' answer to the M3.
It's the AMG C-Class and it's not a car,
it's a complete animal.
TYRES SCREECH
Oh! Cripes!
TYRES SCREECH
You don't really drive this car, you cling on for dear life!
Sure, the new M3 has a top-notch conventional weapon under the bonnet,
but this,
this has a nuke.
It's a 6.2 litre V8.
It's not the full-fat 6.2 they put in their bigger cars.
But even this semi-skimmed version
has 450 brake horse power.
So the 'umph' is as phenomenal as the noise it makes.
ENGINE ROARS
Listen to that!
It's not only louder, more powerful
and more exciting than the M3,
but it's simpler as well.
It even has an automatic gear box.
I will admit, however, that there are one or two things
I'm not sure about.
It's not a very pretty car.
I don't like the way Merc has copied BMW's iDrive system,
their old control centre was better, it was easier to use.
And then, rising above all this,
is the problem -
the traction control.
ENGINE ROARS
When it's on, it's constantly interfering,
every time you go near the throttle.
Eventually, of course, you become impatient and turn it off.
But be advised, if you do that,
you'd better be awake.
TYRES SCREECH
Oops-a-daisy.
I've got it. There... Oh, there. No.
This is just an axe murderer with headlights.
And I absolutely adore it.
This is mental.
Jeremy, there's more to life than a big shouty engine.
No, there isn't. I'm sorry, but the whole point of an M3
is you can't tell it isn't an ordinary BMW.
Look, it's got M3 written here, grooves...
It's got more trinkets on it than a pensioner's mantelpiece.
I'm sorry, you cannot pitch up in your sparkly disco glitter ball...
Nobody ever said a Mercedes had to be restrained. you like the chrome. Honestly.
I don't like the chrome very much.
Well, that's all there is.
Sunshine roof - oh, you haven't got one. What the hell? What?
What's this? Carbon fibre.
Carbon fibre roof?
It's to keep the centre of gravity low,
it keeps the weight down in the car, it's light, that helps the balance.
That's why this is such a good car. It makes you look like a BLEEP. Like your chrome is gonna help.
Both of those cars are ostentatious.
Has the captain arrived? I believe so. In an Audi.
This Audi is a very, very good car. Couldn't agree with you more.
I remember when I drove this a couple of years ago,
I believed that was one of the greatest engines ever made.
But you cannot ignore the engine in that Mercedes.
You just can't. Nobody saw a 6.2 litre...
..With 6.3 written on the side!
That's just... Is it a 6.2? Yes. It says 6.3 on it.
Because that's history and tradition. It's lying.
It's just a random number. It isn't.
'Instead of bickering, we decided to get scientific and discuss practicality. '
First things first, I'll just get in the back.
Ya! Yes, all right!
There is a four-door version coming.
And the rear legroom is? Plentiful.
Pitiful. The Audi.
And - oh, deary me!
If we pop this seat into MY driving position...
That's hardly a fair test.
Do you want to hop in? I'd love to! Oh, I can't. I've got legs!
'We could have argued all day, but when it comes to practicality,
'facts are the facts. '
The Mercedes has the biggest engine, the most gears,
the most space in the front, the most space in the back,
and the biggest boot.
The end.
After this momentous victory for the Mercedes,
I decided we should have a drag race.
I'm actually, for the first time in one of our drag races, genuinely tense about this.
I want this car to win.
Don't lose! Don't lose, mad car.
If I take the handbrake off, that'll increase my chances.
I'm not going to win this. I'm going to humiliate them.
ENGINES REV
'Despite its four-wheel drive system, the Audi took the lead. '
I'm winning, I'm winning.
'And then lost it. '
Come on, come on!
Come on, baby, come on.
How did that happen?
Rock 'n' roll!
No, no, no!
Loser!
Oh!
That's a pointless and irrelevant test.
James and Richard were annoyed.
They'd lost out to the Merc's superior practicality
and its straight-line performance.
Desperate for a victory, James got out his tape measure
to try and find any area where the Audi was best.
I'm measuring the steering wheel to see whose is fattest.
Meanwhile, Richard hauled me into the circuit's conference suite, for a PowerPoint presentation.
Right, what I've got here is a graph showing the torque curves for each of the three...
You're only doing this on a PowerPoint so M3 drivers know what you're on about.
It's the easiest way to show it. No.
What do you want for supper, darling? I'll get the laptop.
As you can see on this graph, 40% of me wants shepherd's pie with peas... Shut up!
.. 60% wants lamb chops. That's an increase... Pay attention.
This is useful information. These are the torque curves.
That's your Mercedes, that's the Audi, that's the BMW.
Jezza's wing mirrors are an inch bigger than mine.
So, the blue line is the Mercedes and that's on the top.
You've immediately assumed, being you, that higher up the graph is better. Is it?
Yes, it is.
Hammond's are two foot as well.
I've got the smallest windscreen wipers.
Have you got power? Yes. Look at the blue line!
It's not as simple as that. You've got to look at the... Yeah, you're...
You've lost. I have.
Yes!
My gear stick's got the biggest knob diameter by half an inch.
APPLAUSE
You are such a child!
I am a child, I admit.
We'll pick that up later on because now it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
My guest tonight needs no introduction
because he's Dr Who! Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant!
How are you? Very good, very good. Have a seat. Thank you.
You are like a good-looking version of Richard Hammond.
The smoking jacket thing...
This is new. I've never worn this before.
This is new too. Will you be wearing it again? No.
It's so nice to have a good-looking chap in that chair for once.
And popular too. Two years you've won the most popular television actor
at the National Television Awards, am I right?
I think that might be accurate, yes.
I didn't spoil it for you by telling you you'd won while the nominations...
Is that what that meant? Yeah.
I may have actually got all the winners and losers before
and I had a great evening telling the losers...
Now, as a kid, is it true you wanted to be Dr Who?
Didn't everyone who grew up in the '70s?
I thought they did. Yeah...
I wanted to be Julie Christie's underwear.
I don't know where to go with that.
Wherever you like.
You wanted to be the Doctor.
I did, yeah. I thought that would be quite a laugh.
Then I grew up and thought, that's never going to happen, that's absurd, but I'd quite like to be an actor.
Then, funnily enough, it came back round again. Who'd have thought it? I know.
You took your name from Neil Tennant, is that right?
It sort of is. I was 16 when I joined Equity, the actors' union.
There's a rule that there's not allowed to be two actors with the same name.
So, David McDonald, my real name, was disallowed.
So, at 16, I thought, where do you find a new name from?
So I looked in Smash Hits.
That's what you read when you're 16, isn't it?
It's a good job it wasn't Madonna. Yes. You'd look ridiculous then.
So that was it... I read somewhere, how many times have you auditioned for Taggart?
Oh, about 26.
No way.
I went up for Taggart every week in Scotland and they never gave me a part.
You must be the only Scottish person never in Taggart. Some people have played four different murderers!
So we've got the Christmas special, obviously.
What's the storyline? It's a big disaster movie, really.
The Titanic has crashed through the walls of the TARDIS.
At the end of the last series, you might have caught that.
Mayhem ensues from there on in.
Kylie Minogue is serving as a waitress on the Titanic.
She gets swept up... By you?
Yeah, a little bit. Um...
Cos I know you've got two hearts. Yeah.
So, have you got two...? LAUGHTER
You'll have to ask Kylie.
Well, Billy Piper calls you David ten-inch, doesn't she?
That could be two fives...
God bless her for it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Have you ever asked about the details of the TARDIS?
Do you know how it works? Of course I do. How does it work? You wouldn't understand. Try me.
It's very complicated.
Is it? Is there some maths?
It's got a lot to do with a gravitic anomaliser.
I thought it would do. Yeah.
What's its top speed?
Er, well, it's relative.
As is time.
Ahh!
All right. Cars.
Yeah.
Occasionally we have people on with pretty poor car histories.
Yeah, sure. James Blunt springs to mind. It was one and it was a Lada.
Right. You talk us through it.
My first car - Ford Fiesta.
Second car?
Ford Escort.
We're moving up. Yeah.
And then?
And then, I had a Skoda.
LAUGHTER
You see, it's still a punch line. It is. If it's a good car...?
Is it a modern or an old Skoda? Modern Skoda. A non-comedy... I still have the Skoda.
You do! Yeah. Dr Who has a Skoda.
Yes. What sort is it? Skoda Octavia Ambiente.
It was the best car I had until recently when it went in for a service
and came back with a list of things which suddenly made it not financially viable any more.
You haven't got the Skoda? I do, but I'm trading it in next week.
By the time this broadcasts I'll have done the exchange so they'll have got it by then.
Someone will be going,!I've got Dr Who's BLEEP. It doesn't work!!
!What are all these flashing lights?!
I understand that you've been - how can I put this? -
whinging about when Billie Piper came here, about her lap.
And how you think she may have cut the corner a bit.
To be fair, Jeremy... Yeah?
I've seen it. She clearly drove a track that she made up.
You're right. She did make it up.
And then you said, we're going to have to deduct, or add a few extra seconds for you.
We did say that.
Then she just kind of battered her eyelids at you...
and her time stands.
Actually, the main reason was...
she had a completely see-through top on.
I can't deduct points for that.
Could you? Listen, Billie's very charming...
Mmm.
I've been on the receiving end of her eyelid-fluttering... Yes.
It butters many parsnips. But...
LAUGHTER
I just know she'll beat me now and I'll never hear the end of it!
We don't know. We don't know if you've cut corners or anything.
All I do know, is that you did have a bit of a problem with third gear.
Yeah.
Who'd like to see David's problems with third gear?
Yes? AUDIENCE: Yes!
Let's play this.
Third gear, come on, find it. There it is.
Where are you, third gear? Thank you.
Third gear, you loony.
Fourth. Come on.
Third gear, where are you?
Oh, there you are.
It wouldn't go in!
Do you know where third gear was after he finished that particular session?
All over the track.
I broke the car, didn't I?
You broke third gear.
Yeah. So we got you the spare car and who'd like to see what he did to that?
AUDIENCE: Yeah! Here we go!
TYRES SCREECH
A good fast start with a lot of wheel spin and some Scottish mist.
Yeah. Coming down to the first corner.
What am I looking at the wing mirror for? There's no-one behind me!
It's good highway-code sense. It is.
And across the zebra very fast. That's probably a bit too fast.
That was bad! That was BAD!
Yeah. It is the understeer. You've got to kill that understeer by being slower to go faster.
It sounds ridiculous but it's true. I know, and I could hear the Stig in my head every time I messed up.
This is better. Yeah! Look at that!
That's a very good hammerhead. It's pretty good.
Speed up!
It does look slower on the telly than it is when you're in the car.
Get right out to the edge. Third gear, come on!
No! Fourth through there!
Fourth through the tyres. That's a good line. It's good I made the camera wobble.
Braking. Third gear. Braking.
That's a bit slow. Quite pedestrian actually.
Very slow.
Here we go, round Gambon. There we go, and across the line!
It's...
Oh.
It's so frustrating though.
It's so frustrating because I didn't have a clean round.
I didn't have one round when I didn't do something stupid.
But you didn't cross any lines.
So I don't have to flutter my eyelids at you. No, you don't.
So, where do you think you came? It's not great.
Jools Hollandish?
1.49.9. No, it's better than that.
Good. You're in the 1.40s. Have I beaten Billie, the Piper?
What did she do?
Apparently, she did 1.48.3.
She did a 1.48.3. You did a 1.48...
Come on.
...8.
AUDIENCE: Ohh.
Billie Piper the assistant is faster than the master.
But strictly speaking... Yeah?
..where Billie's, you know, taking her penalties...
You'd have been faster. If you'd have thought to wear a black see-through top,
you would now have beaten Simon Cowell.
If I undo a button...
No. James might rush in and put you further up, but no...
Anyway, there you are and it's been a pleasure having you here.
Lovely to be here. Thank you for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant.
And now...
Hush. And now it is time for the glittering Top Gear awards ceremony
held here in front of whoever's bothered to turn up.
Yes, it's where we celebrate all that's good and bad in the world of cars
here in the glittering West End of Guildford.
It is now time for the lifetime achievement award.
Now, this is awarded to the person who's done the most
to ruin the lives of Britain's 33 million motorists.
And the nominees are:
Ken Livingstone, for not realising that the introduction of bendy buses to London's streets
is about as sensible as introducing a fleet of oil tankers to the Shropshire Union Canal.
Ken Livingstone,
for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax,
and spend some of what's left on a car,
and then pay value added tax on that,
and then buy some road fund licence tax to put the car on the road
and then pay fuel duty tax on the fuel and value added tax on that fuel duty tax,
you should then pay £25 tax
to drive into the centre of the capital.
Right, and the final nomination is Ken Livingstone,
for putting my flat 50 yards inside the new enlarged congestion zone.
Jeremy, it's about 33 million motorists, not just you.
Right, the winner. Where is it? Here we go.
It's not Ken Livingstone!
It's the traffic Wombles who close motorways for six hours
every single time somebody's door mirror comes off so they can retrieve it safely.
So, well done, them.
APPLAUSE
OK. This is the award for the ugliest car of the year.
And the nominations... There's no point. It's the Mini Clubman.
It is. By miles.
That's the ugliest.
So, let's get on. Here's the big one. The worst car of the year award.
The nominations... Actually, it's the Mini Clubman, isn't it?
No, it's not. It isn't the Mini Clubman!
No, it isn't the Mini Clubman.
No. The winner this year and indeed for every year whilst we have breath in our bodies,
is the most stupid, useless and dangerous car ever to stalk the Earth.
It is the totally terrible and disgusting G-Wiz.
It's not a car that, is it? No.
Neither is it, as they claim to get round safety regulations, a quadricycle.
But we did think, with a few modifications,
it might just make a very good radio-controlled car.
I went to find out.
For this experiment, we've come here to Swindon.
It's the Wiltshire branch of the Science Museum.
So, it's got the sort of academic atmosphere we need.
It's also got a socking great runway
which is excellent, because a good radio-control car
needs to be fast.
So, that means we'll have to make our normal G-Wiz a lot faster.
Let me demonstrate the problem with speed by carrying out a simple drag race.
I shall pilot the G-Wiz.
48 volts.
0-40 in quite a while.
And I'll put it up against an everyday normal car.
A genuine 500-horsepower Mustang.
Should be close.
CARS REV
..Two, one, go!
We're off, we're off, we're off!
It's pulling away.
It's pulled away some more.
So, not good.
But, our radio-controlled version should pep things up.
We've made it using the scientific principle of more is more.
Basically it's got ten times more battery power.
And to help put that power down we fitted it with fat tyres from a Formula 3 racing car.
So, let's run the drag race again.
Three, two, one, go!
Yeah. Try that!
That's more like it. Come on! Come on!
Yes.
Come on!
Yes!
But a good radio-control car should also handle well.
So, along with the fat tyres,
our G-Wiz has been lowered and widened.
To test its handling we've made ourselves a circuit
and to really find out if our mods have worked,
it'll be racing against a conventional remote-control car.
Now, for this race, I shall pilot the little remote-control car
because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test,
it needs to be controlled by our finest driver.
Someone who has never sat on Santa's knee.
Someone who has never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day.
Right, here we go.
Oh, come on!
Not to worry. I had a back-up.
Yes!
First corner coming up.
Time to see what the Stig makes of our handling changes.
Oh, he won't like that.
No, that's not good.
Second corner.
And I knew that if I caught the Stig he'd squash me again.
But no matter.
Because the pick-up is carrying a special low.
When I press this little button...
BUZZ
Oh, yeah.
It worked.
That's one less.
Oh, yes. It's a start. That is what's called a start. Yeah.
And now, the award for the worst-dressed presenter on Top Gear.
LAUGHTER
Whoa!
And the nominations are...
Richard Hammond's shorts in the London race.
Yeah.
And Richard Hammond's Spandau Ballet tribute coat a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah. Check that out.
The winner, and I have a good feeling about this one...
Oh.
It's Jeremy Clarkson from a British Leyland cars film for his dry suit.
What? I thought that was in the bag for me!
Whoa, yeah.
I'm sorry. What about James May in the Aston Martin? Look!
Ah, yes, but I'm not actually dressed at all there.
All right, I'll move on. This is for the best noise we've heard all year.
And the nominations are... the Ascari A10.
LOUD ENGINE NOISE
Ooh, that's a good noise.
The Aston Martin DBS for this.
LOUD ROAR
And the tunnel we went through on the Italian Riviera.
LOUD ECHOING ENGINE NOISE
But the winner was in fact none of those.
The best noise we heard in motoring all year
was Richard Hammond when Oliver sank.
Float!
Oliver!
Yeah.
You thought you'd seen the last of him, but we've flown him 9,000 miles to be here tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, Oliver is here!
Oliver! Oliver!
We're going to burn it!
Yes, we are! No!
Hey, hey, hey, time for the best driver award.
This is for the guest who's come to our track and performed, not the fastest, but the best.
The nominations are... Jennifer Saunders.
Can't let the girls down. She was nearly the fastest of all of them.
We were hugely impressed with her competitiveness and style.
Then there was Lawrence Dallaglio who was also fast,
bearing in mind he'd turned up with two 400lb shoulder muscles.
The winner actually it turns out is the fastest. It's Simon Cowell, everybody.
Sadly, Simon couldn't be here to collect his award in person,
so earlier today, James dropped it off at his house.
This is it.
DOORBELL RINGS
Well done, anyway.
To Simon!
Well done, Simon.
If you haven't got your award, the milkman has it.
Right, that's that one done. We can move on to the big one.
The Top Gear Car of the Year Award 2007.
This is a tricky one because we decided that all three of us had to agree.
It was very hard to find one we all liked.
The Aston Martin DBS I nominated, because it's the most fun I've had all year. Too expensive.
James said it was too expensive so that was that out.
What about the Porsche 911 GT3 RS? Broke down, and it has scaffolding in back.
If you won't agree. It has to be the Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead.
Puff Diddley would feel daft scooting about in one of those. It is flashy.
It is a bit ostentatious, James, if we're honest. All right.
Audi R8? It's brilliant. It's a fabulous car, but I just don't want one.
The Audio R8 is like... It's like going on holiday in Germany.
Everything is very clean and efficient, you just don't go there.
It's lacking something. Yeah. Um...
Has anybody got any ideas what could be our Car of the Year?
AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT Who said Oliver?
Oliver! Yeah.
I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables.
We've had a Fiat 500. Fiat 500. James... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Anyone else?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Suzuki Swift! For crying out loud! Suzuki Swift!
It is actually a very good car. This is important. It's like the Oscars.
Ah, I've got an idea.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ford Mondeo! The same one! The Ford Mondeo.
Actually, I can't think of anything wrong with it.
James, can you think of anything wrong with the Ford Mondeo? It drives well. I can't. It looks good.
It's got a huge amount of space. It drives as well as a Beamer.
Loads of dealers. I like the interior.
Very well priced. Good engines. There's loads of room.
Hmm! As it happens. As it happens, we never mentioned it when it came out, we never road tested it,
but there we are, the 2007 Top Gear Car of the Year is... What about the Subaru Legacy Outback?
That's brilliant! That is an excellent car.
That's made it complicated. No, it hasn't. Here we go.
The most prestigious award in motoring,
the Top Gear Car of the Year 2007 is...
either...
the Subaru Legacy Outback or the Ford Mondeo.
Yeah! Well done! One of those two!
Now, earlier on, the three of us were at a private race track in Spain.
Fabulous place - pools, restaurants, the lot -
but we were there to find out which is the best small, fast German saloon.
I reckoned it was the BMW M3, James reckoned it was the Audi RS4
and Jeremy reckoned it was the 6.2 litre Mercedes C-Class.
Yes, and after part one of the film, the Mercedes was winning.
I had the largest diameter knob.
You did, however, the Mercedes was the fastest in a straight line, the most practical,
and the most powerful, and now we're going to get back to the action.
What we're going to do now is find out how fast each car will go round the track.
For that, we need our team racing driver.
Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool and he is, actually. He is.
MUZAK PLAYS
We dragged him out of the pool and plonked him into his holiday hire car.
This is Emerson Fittipaldi's F1 Lotus,
which won the world championship in 1972.
Amazingly, it produces 420 brake horsepower,
the same sort of power you get from our saloons.
So, first up, let's see how fast this gets round the track.
They brought that car out in 1970. 1971 season began.!What have you done to change it?!!Nothing.!
Didn't change it until '75. Every year, they said, !It was good last year. Look!!
Aw!
An interesting thing about that car is it had torsion beam suspension which was forgiving in slow corners,
which made the tyres last longer. You managed to find something boring about something exciting. It isn't.
Do we have a time? 2.15.16.
Yes! 2.15.16 is... The time. ..the time it did.
The Stig then switched to the Merc.
I'm getting ready to run away.
Look at it! Look at it move! What a machine!
Pile on the brakes. Look at that! He's missed the apex.
He was going straight on!
When do you feel most alive?
When you're right... that close to death.
Every time you get in that car, the greatest thing in your life is you can get out alive?
You get to every destination and go, !Yes! I'm alive!! You don't think that might wear a bit?
The Merc has more power than the Lotus F1, but could it beat its 2.15 lap time?
2.43. LAUGHTER You thought...
Next up, Captain Slow's Audi.
I'm going to be 430 years old by the time it gets here. So it's gonna take six months?
When it comes through, it'll look quick. You'll be able to see it.
Oh!
So when you were saying that it won't slide, what you meant was, !I can't slide it.! Yes.
SCREECHING
I hate that sound of understeer. That... Disappointing, isn't it? It sounded disappointing.
Could we have a time, please? 2 minutes 43.5 to beat.
The RS4 did it in 2 minutes 43.9.
Ooh! JEREMY LAUGHS
Hang on! That means your extra 45 horsepower has bought you less than half a second.
All that noise. All that noise. It is the sound made by an idiot.
So with the Audi out of the running, it was the M3's turn.
It is impossible for your car to be faster than my car.
I've got more brake horsepower and more brake horsepower per ton. It's out of control.
Boring! Boring?
Boring there.
M3 drivers have no friends.
It's just dreary. It's not dreary. It's aggressive, it looks menacing, purposeful, but not overstated.
The M3 did a 2 minute 38. 9.
RICHARD SIGHS
JEREMY COUGHS
That is quite funny. RICHARD LAUGHS
'How can you argue with that? '
There's been a bit of an argument.
Jeremy told the Stig he hadn't tried hard enough in his Mercedes on the fast lap.
The Stig said the Mercedes was too wayward and uncontrollable.
Jeremy said rubbish - he could hit an apple on the apex of any corner at full speed.
So, here's the apple, and here comes, I imagine, a very big crash.
SCREECHING
Damn! I'll go again.
SCREECHING
The important thing is, Jeremy won't get bored.
SCREECHING
Actually, I did.
LAUGHTER
I'll bet you Stig couldn't do it in your car. Don't have that bet. I would eat it if he could hit it.
SCREECHING
The great taste of Michelin.
There was another issue with the mad Merc.
Whoa! That's canvas showing!
Hang on, your rear tyres lasted... how long? 35 miles.
That's going to be inconvenient if you live 40 miles from work.
We left Stig to his holiday and headed for home,
still unable to agree which of our cars was the best.
On the way, we tried each other's cars, and that made things worse.
This Audi is just a very, very nice place to be.
That four-wheel drive system, after all of our two-wheel drive lairiness,
suddenly to have that security, that planted feel,
it does make sense.
This Mercedes is pretty revolting.
It's really chintzy and glitzy and cheesy and...
It has a very exciting engine, though.
Tremendous engine, in fact. It's fantastic.
To annoy Hammond, I dressed like an M3 driver before taking the wheel.
The thing is, we're not reviewing the people who buy this car, we're reviewing the car.
When Richard Hammond says it's poised and balanced and precise, he is talking absolute... sense.
What a car!
What a masterpiece!
So, sublime,
civilised,
insane.
All slightly different, but, truth be told...
.. all absolutely brilliant!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd