On tonight's Top Gear,
Richard Hammond in a V8 tumble dryer.
The classiest way to bankrupt yourself.
And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car.
Hello, and may I say how nice it is to be back,
And it's not all big, expensive, tyre-shredding stuff either.
There's a trend towards small, affordable, fun cars,
stuff that looks good in a traffic jam.
Take this Volkswagen Beetle Cabriolet
It's not the fastest car in the world, or even in this studio,
and the roof folding arrangement is a bit... unfortunate.
But it has four seats, costs ?15,000, and look at it!
And then there's the Ford Streetka.
This has a top speed of 12.5 miles an hour.
But that's OK, because it only costs 12.5p.
The most intriguing car, though, is that.
It's the Smart Roadster.
Now, some cars are rock'n'roll. Some cars are the 1812 Overture.
This... is a pop video.
In the trendiest parts of the trendiest postcodes
of the trendiest city in Britain, this car looks sensational.
And because it's only ?13,500, no-one thinks you're a rich git.
It's the kind of car that makes people go, "Ah!", rather than "Ugh!"
But for fashion accessories to work,
they need a real-world application.
A pretty watch still has to work in space.
A Range Rover has to work on an alp, even in Kettering.
A training shoe has to work in a gym, even if you never get there.
It's no good the Smart being all rinky-dinky in Camden.
If it's to have any street cred, it has to work out here.
It's got to be a proper sports car.
So is it?
On paper, things don't look great.
It may make all the right growly noises,
but it's powered by a three-cylinder, 600cc engine.
My Moulinex Magimix has a bigger motor!
Sure, the Smart has a turbocharger, but only get 80bhp.
So this then, is not a fast car.
In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry VIII.
In terms of acceleration, you go from 0-60, but only just.
I tried timing it, but after 11 seconds, I got bored.
There's the six-speed sequential Formula 1-style gearbox too,
which operates like one of those new-fangled digital cameras,
where you push the button, and ten seconds later, just as your subject moves, it takes the picture.
Ready, foot down...
and here we go.
Useless!
It rather looks, then,
Iike the Smart Roadster misses the sports car mark by 100 miles.
However, have a look at this.
Push a button...
and the middle part of the roof slides back into a little cubbyhole
in the engine compartment.
And then I simply take these out,
and we've got a full convertible.
However, the weather today is a bit too British, so if you don't mind, I'll just...
I'll just pop it back.
See ya.
There's more good stuff too. This car may not be fast,
but it feels more alive than any million-horsepower heavyweight BMW.
I wanted to hate it.
I wanted to laugh at its performance and call it a wet fraud,
but it's so responsive and such a giggle
that it puts a smile on your face!
It's fantastic!
I like the styling, the interior, the traction control, the CD player.
I like how these dials sprout out of the dashboard.
And I love the space. I'm not small, but look at that! Four inches of headroom there.
Ooh, and there's something else.
Remember who it is that makes Smarts?
You can buy one of these things
and say you drive a mid-engined, rear wheel drive, turbocharged convertible Mercedes Benz.
Mercedes own Smart. They make them in France, but this is a Mercedes.
There's more! It's cheap to insure, does 40 miles to the gallon, and it costs almost nothing
to replace those plastic body panels if you crash.
Not that it goes fast enough to have a crash.
So, it works.
It's a fashion accessory, a piece of automotive jewellery,
and it's like those whizzing sports cars from the '50s, Austin Healeys and so on.
It's a proper, undiluted, sports car.
l would'nt buy one.
I'm going to outline a few problems.
We'll start with the boot.
There isn't one! It's under here. No point looking. That's your lot.
It's a baking tray above the engine.
It's OK if you've got a handful of roast potatoes to carry around,
but otherwise, useless.
However, look at this.
This is the Smart Roadster Coupe.
Same engine, same roof arrangement, same everything,
but if we open the back...
Enough space for a whole sackful of King Edwards!
I wouldn't buy this either.
Because?
I'll tell you why, OK?
You can buy one of these with left-hand drive in Britain
for less than ?10,000.
It's not as powerful as the British ones,
but why are we paying half as much again to have the steering wheel on our side?
I love the car, but I won't be ripped off by Germans.
It's made in France!
Yeah, Vichy France!
The thing for me is that gearbox. It's just hopeless.
The moment builds up, the revs rise,
you hit the lever, and it pauses with you and waits.
Nothing happens for so long.
It's a gearbox. It has one job to do...
one job.
Pull the lever, and... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower?"
"I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I must swap some cogs around!"
It takes forever.
The problem is, you'll be using it a lot,
because of that buzzy 600cc engine.
I was wrong.
Admission time.
It's actually a 700cc engine, which is different.
It's 0.7 of a litre.
That still has Hugh Grant as a gearbox.
It's a pity. We like the Smart, but we think not.
That gives us another problem.
Because, you see, you can't have the Volkswagen Beetle either.
And let me explain why.
With most convertibles, the windscreen is sort of here.
But this is like a convertible people-carrier! You could play football on that dashboard!
You need binoculars to see if the wipers work!
That leaves us with the Ford Streetka. It is a very good car.
It does everything it sets out to do.
But you cannot possibly drive this car if you're a man.
Seriously! Look, there's a man in the car,
and he is clearly wearing a dress!
Is he not?
Would any men here think of buying this car? Precisely. No?
This being the Top Gear audience, you're all car enthusiasts,
so you haven't got wives or girlfriends.
What about the girls?
Hands up, girls who would like this car.
Are there any girls who wouldn't? You?
Well, put your hand up, then! It's not difficult!
Brothers and sisters, they're all related!
I was talking the other day to a guy from Ford.
Don't know who he was. Wore a suit.
Anyway, he said 80% of these are going to be sold to women.
Who's going to buy the other 20%?
So, what if a bloke wants to buy a two-seater, open-top sports car?
He does what he's done for the last 14 years, and buys a Mazda MX-5.
Where do these go on the Cool wall?
This is nothing to do with dodgy gearboxes or value for money,
but how cool we think the cars are.
First, the VW Beetle convertible.
That's a cool car. Higher, put it higher.
Higher, no.
No, up there.
Actually, move it into Uncool.
I kinda like it there, personally.
The Streetka.
It is very much not a car for a bloke. But it is a cool car.
We all agreed?
So that leaves us with the Smart car.
Anyone got any thoughts?
Sub Zero.
Sub Zero. Why?
It's the coolest car here.
The Smart is?
Easily.
Good man.
Where's it going?
Uncool.
Sub Zero.
You're right, you're wrong, I'm always right.
It's going there cos I know everything.
Always right?
Yeah.
I've had a new idea while we've been off the air.
It's this, the Top Gear Love & Hate board. The Love section's full.
Kristin Scott Thomas and Terry-Thomas.
We're most interested in this bit, the Hate section, things we hate.
Like stereos that have a chummy greeting when you turn them on.
Why?!
Why does it have to say hello? I just want it to play Terry Wogan.
Other things we hate, obviously, paddle shifts.
Those semi-automatic gearboxes like Formula One.
Personalised registration plates? Yes? We really hate those.
I thought about stuff that I hate
and came up with a list.
A man can never have too many.
It's my top five worst cars ever.
Good.
Top five worst cars ever...
Well, here's my list, OK?
In fifth place is the AMC Pacer.
What a moose! That IS a moose.
The doors on each side aren't even the same length!
At number four is the Peel!
It only had one head lamp. It did.
If one came towards you, you thought it was a motorbike.
"It's a car!"
In third place,
the Vauxhall Vectra.
Obviously.
In second place -
the Suzuki X90.
I road-tested that on old Top Gear.
We filmed at night cos I didn't want people to see me in it!
In first place, it's a big question.
My worst car ever. What are we looking for?
The car equivalent of drizzle.
No. Because there's something going on. We want worse than that.
It's like those days when you walk out and there is no weather.
There's only one car that can manage that. And it's this.
The Nissan Sunny.
I don't know where to start.
There are uglier cars and worse cars to drive.
But their badness gives them character.
This commits the worst crime - blandness.
God gave us celery as the benchmark
of nothingness.
Then mankind improved on that, with this...
thing - I hesitate even to call it an abomination.
Forget redeeming features, it doesn't have any features.
Something else I don't get.
Dragsters. It has a big engine.
That's jet engine.
It will do 0-200mph in 3.8 seconds,
but it struggles to better 100 gallons to the mile,
and every time you want to get into it, you've gotta split in half.
And I don't think it's even got a reverse gear.
But they do have one useful feature.
Get'em working.
How much fun was that?! Fantastic!
We have a theme. Jeremy's looked at smart roadsters, small cars.
Cheap thrills is the kind of feel.
That dragster did burn about ?100-worth of fuel.
The best ?100 you could ever spend.
Footballers. The time was, not that I know, when it was a great game.
The men were men and in the wall they stood like that.
Now it's this, "Ooh, mind me hair!"
But my guest tonight is from those olden days.
He'd drive a large Mercedes to a fight and a football game might break out.
He's now an actor and has his own fly-on-the-wall series.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vinnie Jones!
Vinnie, how are you? How are ya? Have a seat.
You hold the world record for being sent off in a game of football.
It is five seconds, isn't it? Yeah. I ran on and it was like a minute.
No, you've done it in five seconds. No, about a second.
I'm intrigued, not being a footballist, how do you reach
an opposing player to commit an atrocity in that time?
I'd need a minute and a half...
As the ref looked at the goalkeepers,
as he put the whistle to his mouth, I set off.
So as he blew, I crossed the line at full speed.
When they knocked it to each other, they saw me coming.
It's blow the whistle now. Vinnie booked now.
It's such an achievement.
Now, your driving. What was your first car?
I had a bit of money from playing in Sweden
and I bought a red Cortina.
Which mark? A Mark Four. Mark Four?
Then, Wimbledon were very basic.
Meself, Dave Beasant and the physio went there and I wanted to driveand we took the team kit with us.
We get to Chelsea and they say, "You're not coming in."
I said, "I'm a player. " By the time
he had finished, it had overheated.
The smoke was coming through the vents.
We took the kit out, pushed it in the car park
and it stayed there. I don't know what happened to it.
They've redone Chelsea now. I'm sure. Ken Bates probably nicked it!
We'll look out for him. You're over in America a lot these days.
I sort of get more... credibility when they come and talk to you and realise you was a footballer.
"He was a soccer player?"
I mean Nick Cage... You were in Gone In 60 Seconds. Good car film. Yeah. Is he a car nut? Yeah.
He used to come down to work, say, in his Bentley.
Then a Ferrari would turn up, then a great big motorbike
and when we'd finished, he'd be there, "What shall I go home in?"
He went on his motorbike one day and we were pulling out and tried to follow
him up the motorway.
He was just gone!
It must be great for him with the crash helmet on. No-one knows who he is.
Lock Stock started it all. Yeah.
You know the scene of you with the car door? Yeah.
What was going through your head when you were doing that?
I can't say it on air. I'd get sued again! Whisper it.
We were thinking, that P6, big heavy doors in those days. Yes. Good for smashing a man's head in.
Modern cars - we're not so sure. Can you pass us our prop?
The windows would go now. Exactly.
Imagine this. We've all seen Day Of The Jackal. If you could come with me, Vinnie.
I want you to try and smash this in the door of one of our cars.
Gather round. We're going to this Smart car. Oh!
It's made of plastic. It hasn't got to go back, has it? What? It has.
I'd like you to re-enact the scene. Put it in from the other side.
It was a block of wood in Lock Stock. It's a heavy watermelon in this.
Right, here we go.
Ready? Yeah, here we go.
Not bad! In one!
So, a little bit of The Day Of The Jackal, little bit of Lock Stock, little bit of Top Gear all in one!
Now, you haven't just come here... Can you hang on to that?
Do the garden, mate! Yes!
You haven't just come here to smash watermelons to pieces.
You've come to do a lap on our track.
You went with the Stig. What was that like?
When the backside stops retracting, I'll let you know!
It is time to see how you got on in your lap.
This is the power board. I want to beat Jonathan Ross. Ross, one minute 57.
You could have strolled! Shall we see how you did?
A Star In A Reasonably Priced Car. Play it.
Nice start.
Come on, girl.
It looks very slow.
It seemed faster when I was doing it!
It is a Suzuki Liana. It's not a fast car.
If you lose speed here, you'll never get it back all the way up the main straight.
This is the home bit.
This is where everyone goes off. How do you manage?
I'm still in. Boot it!
You kept it on the island and that was where Gambon nearly rolled it. You're across the line!
Seemed a bit slow. I've been told the time. Go on. You want to be faster than Jonathan Ross. Yeah.
I pity Jonathan if you aren't faster! Rossy will not let me...
Vinnie J, one minute...
50... 51?
Three! 53! You're in there faster than Ross Kemp.
Ladies and gentlemen, Vinnie Jones!
This being a new series of Top Gear, we thought we'd try out a new presenter.
He's called James May.
On the evidence of what we're about to see, he is a blithering idiot!
One day, probably in the dentist, you'll leaf idly through the small ads in the back of a classic car magazine.
You'll probably think, "That money I spent on a Mondeo could have been spent on something interesting... "
Like an Inspector-Morse-style Jag, for example, a Porsche 911...
You could even have a Bentley.
Mind you, you'd have to be a complete idiot to buy one of those.
This one's mine.
It's a T2, pretty much the cheapest Bentley money can buy.
You can pick one of these up for seven grand. Don't. For that money it's gonna be a complete bag of bolts.
This is a good'un. It cost ?14,000, the parts are genuine,
there's no rust, no filler and no evidence of bodged repairs.
14 grand's a lot for this, but only the price of a basic Mondeo.
Unlike the Mondeo, though, the Bentley shouldn't depreciate.
A Mondeo is disposable, but a Bentley's...a Bentley.
So why do I like it then?
Well... I like this wood. Someone's taken a lot of care of that.
I like the strip of chrome down the bonnet and the weird winged thing.
I like the sort of daftness of it. The light switch is there.
The key goes here and the windscreen wipers are here.
I'd expect the wipers to be here but it's the gear stick.
The handbrake's down here. It's all wrong and I love that.
Somewhere up front is a huge 6.7 5-litre V8 engine.
But when you put your foot down...
nothing happens.
It might go a bit faster, but on the whole, it's a complete waste of time.
You might as well just relax!
Handling. I've got furniture that handles better than this thing.
Watch. Absolutely nothing.
So, it's rubbish to drive, I'm going slower than you and yes, I look like a failed porn star.
But I am in my own Bentley!
Right then, a Bentley for Mondeo money.
Some of you are pretty tempted by this idea, but I haven't told you how it ruined my life yet!
I said this car doesn't depreciate.
Big deal! Who really cares about depreciation? It's something that goes on all the time.
It doesn't hurt you every day.
For that you need a Bentley.
Every time I go near this thing, it runs off with my wallet.
It costs 80 quid to fill up and does 15 miles to the gallon. I have to rent a garage to keep it in.
It takes up two tokens at the jetwash.
Servicing only costs the same as it does for a mid-size BMW,
but it has to go in more often.
That's why my mechanic buys his overalls from Gucci while I sit at home eating gruel.
Cheap thrills? Humph, try this! It's bloody terrifying!
You rent a garage seven miles from your house?
How do you get there?
On my folding bicycle!
You are mad! You're just insane running a car like this.
I think you may be missing an essential point. Comfy, though!
This has firm suspension! Really?
The "T" is for firm suspension. It has the Harvey Bailey handling kit.
Harvey didn't know anything about suspension either!
Despite all that, of all the cars in this studio, this one is actually the cheapest. No.
The Smart's cheaper. For ?500 less you can have a Smart.
Well... Which doesn't do this.
This would have been cheaper if I'd haggled a bit more.
That's a British disease. It is.
Am I right in saying this car is so cool, that most people, by which I mean Jeremy,
don't realise it?
Hands up if you think it's a cool car.
That's three.
And on that bombshell, let's do the news.
News first of two hot new Peugeots.
The first of them is the new 206 GTI. It's 180bhp.
That's quite a lot in a small car. ?14,995, which isn't bad. That is a hot car.
The second one... I can't quite understand this.
It's a 206, it's a GTi, it's 138bhp, slightly less powerful,
but you'll notice it's an estate, a tiny estate car.
That, to me, is pointless. More than that, it's a tragedy.
That's what the French call "idiotique". Yes! Don't like it.
I like it. Why? Cos the 206 is a good car. Are we all agreed?
Yeah. It's a good hatchback. It's a good car with space for your dog!
You can get a dog in a hatchback!
No, you can't. A big dog won't go in a 206. Hang on.
A dog is for life. If you've got a big dog already, you specify a big estate car.
If you already have a small car, get a small dog like one of those mutants that come third at Crufts.
If you had a dog and you needed the space, I think that's great.
Not if you're British - we like dogs.
Yes. But it's French and they can put a red setter in a Renault 5.
And they crush it in so tightly, that it looks like a photo of a dog stuck on the window of the car.
I consider myself outvoted then - Peugeot 206 Estate, silly car.
Silly. Silly.
New cars since we've been off air - Renault Kangoo. Interested, anyone? AUDIENCE: No.
I am.
?9,100 - it's a van with windows, a bit like the Citroen Berlingo.
A little bit more expensive.
I quite like those cars, actually.
The Saab 93 Convertible - they took a tin-opener to the 93, which I think is a Vectra.
You're the expert. It is a Vectra, but it's got a Saab badge on it.
If you want a convertible Vauxhall Vectra, there you are.
I can't think why.
Now...
for people who say, "You only like expensive cars," yes, the Lamborghini Gallardo!
This has got a V10, 5-litre engine. I'll have to go to the loo if I say that again.
500bhp, fantastic-looking thing,
on sale in Britain later this year.
Prices are anticipated to be around ?120,000,
so it will be competing with the Ferrari 360.
And actually, if its big brother, the Murcielago,
is anything to go by, that will be
a stonking good car.
There's going to be a problem with that. We've had this mystery fax.
It came to the office - some telephone numbers and a picture.
Yes. What you would say that was?
A Lotus Esprit. Anybody else? Lotus Esprit, yeah?
Now, this has actually come from the manufacturer. Lotus? Lotus.
When you ring the number,
they will say, "What's that picture? " "The Lotus Esprit."
They want to prove this is their shape so they can copyright it.
How can they do that? Well, we can ensure they don't.
If you get one of these, ring up
and when they say, "What's that picture? ", say, "Double Gloucester."
That way, every time somebody buys a Ferrari or a Lotus or a...
What was the...? A Lamborghini. Or a Seat if they get round to it.
More money for Britain's beleagured cheese-makers. Good. Good point.
A quick question for you - how much do you reckon this F355 is worth?
What do you reckon? 80, 90, 60, 40? None of those.
It's worth about 20 grand.
This is our cheap thrills show - this isn't a Ferrari.
This is a Toyota MR2 that's been made to look almost exactly like a F355.
The bloke who built this, once he'd turned his Toyota MR2 into a Ferrari replica,
rang his insurance company.
"Well, " they said, "it's now classed as a kit car. " His premium went from ?1,200 to ?300.
A cheap thrill. There's a problem, and it links back to what James said about copyrighting cheese.
Ferrari won't be too pleased about somebody copying their shape.
In fact, they'll probably go after the bloke who built it.
So, he's disappeared, he's escaped to the Midlands underground.
Wanted by the Italians, he still survives as a soldier of fortune.
But if you want one, if you need his help,
and if you can find him, maybe you can buy this replica.
For this programme I was asked to find a fun car for not much money.
And I failed...completely.
This is the Bowler Wildcat. Nice name.
It's based on a Land Rover,
but it has one key element missing from normal Land Rovers - speed.
An Aston Martin DB7 will go from 0-60mph in 4.9 seconds.
This will do it in 4.8
It does cost fifty grand.
But everything's relative. This is the best off-roader in the world.
And it's road legal.
So, how has a sheep-lugger from Solihull become an off-road Ferrari?
The Bowler Wildcats are built by two brothers in Derbyshire.
Instead of a heavy chassis, they use a raised-car style space frame that takes three weeks to weld.
These body panels - fibreglass.
The engine is a 5-litre, 300bhp Land Rover TVR hybrid V8.
And the interior... Well...
..there isn't one! But, you know, you don't care.
You just...don't.
Fifty grand might sound a lot of money for a car that started life as a Land Rover.
You can buy a BMW M5
for that money.
But think about it - a lot of manufacturers claim to have
a racing pedigree.
But you couldn't turn up at Le Mans in your M5... or your Ferrari, for that matter,
But you could buy a Wildcat and the next day be on the start line at the Paris-Dakar.
Now, the scary bit.
Straight on. Left. That hurt.
The suspension is made by Bowler and it is, of course,
fully adjustable. The spec list includes FIA-spec fuel tanks,
an integrated fire extinguisher...
and best of all,
an onboard water supply for desert racing.
The power from that...
5-litre, half-TVR half-Land Rover V8
is just eating the world.
It's incredible!
This is...fast in a whole new way.
This... I c...
Yes!
How can anything survive this... including me?!
At this moment now, second...third!
What a feeling!
I am a driving god!
It's the most fun I've had in a car.
But you can only do so much of it. You haven't started yet!
Thanks. That's Jim.
He races this. He's raced everything else. Now this.
Oh, good! Think I'll put my helmet on.
I drove it fast,
but Jim took it to another level. This was an epic ride.
Incredible. And most incredible of all was how the machinery stood this punishment.
What does it do to your insides? I dislodged a lung in Italy.
Dislodged a lung?!
Of course, they tested the Bowl.
In computer simulations, it simply outpaced the computer.
After a 40ft drop onto its nose in the desert, nothing,
nothing happened.
If you stood ten tonne weights on its roof, nothing would happen.
Nothing at all.
Do you know, it's not just a cheap thrill.
At ?50,000, it's a bargain because it really is a supercar.
More than that, it's a supercar that's virtually indestructible.
And a brilliant car as well.
There's one bit I want to see again. May we?
What a feeling!
I'm a driving god!
I am a driving god!
What, if you take a dog for a walk, "I am a dog-walking god!"
It was a big moment. It's like being in a cartoon in that thing.
Yes... You got carried away. I got very carried away. I'm not a driving god, it was a mistake.
But I do know someone who is a driving god.
To find out how the Bowler would do on the Top Gear test track,
please welcome His Holiness, the Stig.
So it's off the line with a bit of wheel spin there.
This does 0-60 in 4. 8 seconds. Wonder what the Stig's listening to?
Oh, my word.
It doesn't get much worse than that. That is grizzling.
By the looks of it there, he's lost it!
No, he's kept it all together. Just listen to that V8.
Clearly the Stig isn't there. There's a bit of body roll there.
The Stig is really pushing this thing as hard as it will go.
The test, he'll be coming up to the follow through.
Will the Bowler roll? It looks solid.
Very little body roll, 300 horsepower now,
belting out onto the straight, two bends to go now.
Ooh, my word, that is on the edge!
Gambon Corner ahead. He's gone off-road. He crosses the line in...
one minute, 39.4
There you go... Hold on a second! It's not hard to be a driving god
in a car that slow!
Now look, for a car like that... That ?50,000 car.
.. I think that is pretty impressive.
I'll grant you it is impressive. It's in the script I should argue but I won't because I love that car.
That's it for this evening. No. It's not...
It seems the driving god has more to say.
What is it, driving god?
Things I wish I'd never said.
Earlier on, I toasted that Nissan Sunny.
While we had the Jet dragster, it was a shame to burn just one thing I hate.
So, have you got anything else to burn?
No, that's it. OK, we can end.
Good night.
Subtitles by LVV