OSCAR: All right, talk me through
your thought process.
You were wearing a vest, I asked you if you wanted
to get a drink at Langford's you said yes,
then you changed into a different vest.
You know, I actually prefer the term "waistcoat."
And historically...
Nope, that's enough.
What's wrong?
FELIX: Oh.
Running into the ex-girlfriend... that can always be...
...awkward.
Hi, Felix.
- Hello, Charlotte. Good to see you. - Where are you off to?
Oh, just, uh, going to get a drink.
By myself.
I'm drinking alone.
Okay, have fun.
Tell Oscar I said. hi.
I will.
If I'm not blotto.
Oh, look.
It's Oscar the Crouch.
All right, look, here's the deal.
It's been three months since Charlotte and I
"pressed pause," or whatever she called it,
and now whenever we see each other,
it's weird... I don't know what to do with my hands
or my arms or my nether regions.
So you just hide?
Or run. Or open an umbrella in front of my face.
I've got options.
Oh, no, here she comes.
Oscar?
Hey...
Oh, wow... there he is right there.
So, what do you got going there, a little mail?
Little mail action. I'm a male.
Spelled differently. Doesn't matter.
Well, I should get going.
Yeah, you, too.
Oh, Oscar, look, I know this is hard for you,
but you have got to move on and see other people.
Come on, we'll talk about it over drinks.
I can't.
I'm stuck.
This is the second time today
that we've had to do this.
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
Oh, come on, guys, I hate online dating.
I don't want to go back to that.
Meeting enough women
cowering behind the doorman's desk, are we?
All right, Murph, what do you got?
Well, there's a lot of dating Web sites out there,
but LoveMerge is by far the best.
And why is that?
Well, 'cause they pay me to say "LoveMerge is by far the best."
So you've met lots of women on this site?
Well, to be honest, I don't use this site
because, well...
But it's got a big user base, and that's the way
you got to look at this... it's a volume business.
You know, he's right, Oscar... you've got to get back out there.
It's like when they discontinued your favorite candy.
Ah, Tart 'n' Tinys.
You moped around for weeks, and then you found new love.
Skittles were right there the whole time.
- Exactly. - Well,
I don't want to use my real name
or a photo, 'cause I'm kind of a celebrity.
- That's plausible enough, I suppose. - Sure. Yeah.
(laughs): Okay, this is crazy.
What?
Um, a-a year ago
I applied for an internship in London
for this jewelry design house,
and the woman that they hired instead of me
got hit by a car... you know, wrong side of the road
and all that. Anyway,
now they want me!
Oh, my God!
Congratulations!
Yeah. The only problem is, they want me there
for three months.
Mm.
You're gonna need somebody to take care of your dog
and stay in your apartment, which is much nicer than mine.
See where I'm going with this?
Wow, three months... that's, uh...
that's a long time.
I know.
I was thinking the same thing.
Oh, please.
Three months is nothing.
Do you have Wi-Fi?
So what are you going to do?
I don't know. I mean, on one hand,
do I really want to uproot my life?
But then, on the other hand...
maybe it's fate. (laughs)
Because what's my favorite song?
"London Bridge Is Falling Down"?
"Werewolves of London"!
(laughing): Oh... of course!
Although, I like to think that fate would have
better musical taste when giving you a sign, so...
Well... what do you think I should do?
Well, sounds like a great opportunity.
You think so?
Yes. I mean, London is a world-class city.
It would expose you to a whole new client base.
It could be everything you want.
Right. So you would have no problem
with me being gone for so long?
- I never said that. - No, but you didn't... even hesitate.
I mean, here I am, stressing out about being away from you,
and you're like, "Follow your dream."
Can you see why I might be upset?
How would you describe my eyes?
Piercing or icy blue?
You're right. I'll go with both.
At least pretend that it would be hard to say good-bye to me.
Of course. It would kill me to be away from you for so long.
But I don't want you to turn it down and then
spend the rest of your life wondering "what if."
(sighs) I'm sorry, Felix.
I'm... I'm just confused. I mean, a year ago
I would have jumped at this opportunity, but...
(laughs): I love my life here.
I don't want to leave.
DANI: You know,
- just to play devil's advocate... - No.
I am staying.
Who would want to spend three months away
from this amazing man?
Is that question open to the room?
Quick-witted.
Yeah.
How do you spell "witted"?
Hey, Maureen. I'm meeting a woman for dinner.
You want your dumping table?
Nope. My first-date table.
The overhead bulb is out, so I'm not over-lit,
and I can face the TV in case she's boring.
Oh. Hey, Oscar.
How'd your date go?
Is it over? Did you make her cry?
She's not here yet.
She said she'd be wearing a pink sweater.
Oh, there she is. Pink sweater.
Oh, my God. Are you sure that's not salmon?
Or mauve? It looks mauvey.
What are you talking about? That's definitely pink,
and she's cute... why don't you go meet her?
Because I already have.
Oscar?
Dani, meet Ashley.
Felix's ex-wife.
Hmm.
Do I announce my departure or just slink away?
- Please don't leave me. - Slink away, it is.
Seriously? All the human beings in New York,
and I get a you?
Oh, yeah. Like I want to go out with my roommate's ex-wife.
Also, mean!
(groans)
You know, it serves me right for agreeing to out with someone
who didn't post a picture.
I can't post a picture. I'm a celebrity.
Also, you look nothing like your photo,
with the makeup and the shadows and the pretty.
It was artistic!
If you wanted me to recognize you,
you should have been glaring with disdain.
Yeah, like that.
You two talking or drinking?
Oh, I could use a scotch.
Make it two. And this isn't a date.
So I still got a shot.
Hooray.
You know,
Felix is gonna freak out when he hears about this.
He'll start climbing the walls, and then, you know,
vacuuming the ceiling.
Actually, he's kind of in a good place.
He's... got a girlfriend now; he's happy.
Oh.
Good. That's good.
He deserves it.
Yeah.
So, what happened to that guy you were dating?
(sighs) Which one? Crunches granola in bed guy
or "I believe in Atlantis" guy.
Oh.
Are we ordering dinner?
Well, I'm gonna get a Cobb salad.
You can stay if you like.
(chuckles): Salad? Since when do you eat anything
that doesn't end in "dog" or "nugget"?
Well, turns out Felix has been sneaking green stuff in my food
a little bit at a time, and I'm actually kind of liking it.
Hmm. Yeah, that's how he got me into Baroque music.
He started by humming it when I was falling asleep,
then he made it my ringtone.
Now I jog to it.
Say what you will about Felix,
he broadens your horizons.
And trims your hair while you sleep.
You know what? A Cobb salad sounds good.
Maureen, call us crazy, we're gonna order dinner.
Ordering dinner in a restaurant.
Huh. Couple of real trailblazers.
(exhales) Well, called the guy in London
and I told him that I'm not coming.
And how did he respond?
He was pretty mad.
But mostly because it's five hours later there and I woke him up.
Oscar.
You're home early. How was your date?
It was very... interesting.
We had a lot in common: divorced, no kids,
and we've both seen you naked.
You went on a date with Yurgé the masseur?
No.
Well, the only other person would be...
Oh, my God, Ashley?
But how...
I mean... Did you...
It was a total coincidence.
I shouldn't have said anything.
But wait, you just had dinner
with my ex-wife, the two of you, together?
Felix, are you okay?
(laughs): What? Of course. I don't even care.
Why would I care? We've been divorced for over a year.
That chapter of my life is completely not... still open.
(nervous chuckle)
- Would you get me a glass of water? - Sure.
Thank you, darling.
Tell me everything.
What did she order? Did she ask about me?
Does she still have bangs, or has she returned
to that unflattering side part?
I thought you said you didn't care.
Of course I care. We were married for 15 years...
until she ripped out my heart and fed it to birds!
But you've moved on, right?
(laughs): Of course. I've moved on, and I'm very happy now.
Oh, did you tell her that? That I've let go of the past
and I'm very happy? I bet that would kill her. (laughing)
And that, Oscar, is why Helen Hayes is aptly referred to
as the First Lady of the American Theatre.
Hey, Emily.
(Teddy chuckling)
(continues chuckling)
You went on a blind date with Felix's ex...
and she hates you, and you hate her,
and you called yourself a celebrity?
(laughing)
When at best, you're a personality.
(Teddy continues laughing)
Oh, Lord, my wife is always mad, my kids are always screaming,
but your life puts a smile on my face.
In Oscar's defense, it's not his fault he ended up on a date with Ashley.
- It was Murph's dating site. - Dating site?
Aw, if you want to make a real connection,
you need a real person to set it up.
Oh, no. I hate setups.
I know the perfect woman. Her name is Alexis.
She's new in my office. She's smart,
she's funny, and she loves sports.
I don't know, Teddy.
Here's a recent photo.
Loves sports, you say?
(chuckles) I'll set it up.
(phone chimes)
Huh.
Ashley just texted me.
"Would you like to meet for coffee?"
I wonder what she wants.
I don't know. Maybe she thinks enough time
has passed, and you can be friends.
Hmm. I can't think of any reason why not.
Ooh, that's dangerous territory, buddy.
Especially when you have a girlfriend.
What? It's just two adults meeting for a casual cup of Joe.
I'll make that clear to Emily.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, - Oh!
- whoa. - Are you out of your mind?!
What? I'm not gonna go sneaking around behind her back.
I have to be honest with her.
I don't even know what to say to that.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Emily, I'm glad you're here.
Come on, Oscar. Let's go cut those promos back in the office.
What? I want to watch.
I'll show you an episode of Baywatch that Alexis was in.
She played Woman Running Slowly in Sand.
Okay.
What was that about?
Oh, you know them. Just a couple of buffoons.
(chuckles)
But, um, one thing is, um,
Ashley texted me.
Uh-huh.
And she would like to meet for coffee, and, you know,
I think it would be a bigger deal if I said no.
Uh-huh.
But you're going to say no.
I wasn't going to say no.
So, no, you're not going to say no?
We're getting into a weird double negative thing here.
Felix, you're not actually going to have a coffee date
with your ex-wife.
It's not a date. It's just a...
I don't know what it is. She wants to get together.
What's-what's wrong with that? I mean, we were married
for 15 years. I think you're making
way too big a thing out of this.
Am I? I saw how you reacted
when Oscar said he had dinner with Ashley.
"But how... I mean... Did you..."
You know, Oscar said you'd be upset.
Well, Oscar was right!
Aha!
No.
Okay, this is all starting to make sense now.
What are you talking about?
This is why you were practically begging me to go to London,
so I would be an ocean away while you decided if you wanted
to get back together with your ex-wife.
Okay, yeah, you got me.
Two days ago, I travelled into the future to see
that Oscar would go on a date with Ashley.
She would then invite me for coffee
so that we could begin a torrid affair,
having previously advised you to leave the country.
And, oh, and did I mention I have a time machine?!
So you're going to coffee?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Okay. Then I'm going, too!
Not to coffee, to my apartment!
Where I may or may not have coffee!
Did I mention I have a coffee machine?!
I see you still make the foam hole.
I've yet to discover a more efficient way
to get sugar past the dairy barrier, so...
That used to drive me crazy. But you know what,
- it totally makes sense. - You should tell that to Oscar.
When he sees me do it, he calls me another kind of hole.
You know, this reminds me
of that cafe we went to in Venice,
the one with the tiniest coffee cups in the world.
- Yes, but the strongest coffee. - Mmm.
You got so hopped up on caffeine
that you commandeered a gondola.
Mm-hmm.
We had some good times.
We did.
And now
that I've been dating for a year,
I realize those aren't so easy to find.
Not with Oscar. (chuckles)
I can't believe you ended up on a date with him.
I can't believe he made me pay.
Yes, you can.
Well, I'm still glad I ran into him.
'Cause if I hadn't, I wouldn't be here with you.
So... maybe it was fate.
Maybe.
Felix?
Yes.
Have you ever thought...
What?
You know, that...
there's a chance that we could ever...
I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind.
And?
♪ Aaoooooo ♪
♪ Werewolves of London ♪
♪ Aaoooooo ♪
A year ago, I would have given anything
to hear you say those words. But...
my life is different now and...
I'm actually pretty happy.
I just, um...
It's okay.
I'm glad you're happy.
Oh, God, I haven't heard this song in years.
(chuckles)
I kind of love it.
♪ ♪
♪ Aaoooooo ♪
This was fun.
Yes, it was.
I had a plan to bail on you that I never had to execute.
You know, I'm gonna have to thank Teddy for setting this up.
It's exciting, having drinks with a celebrity.
Oh, please!
(laughs)
We're just like you.
Well, thank you
for the best night I've had in a long time.
Me, too.
Wow. You guys really hit it off.
You just sat there laughing and talking for hours
at one of my only tables on the busiest night of the week.
Well, obviously you liked her.
Yeah. She's beautiful, bright,
knows what a celebrity is.
She sounds perfect.
Yeah.
It's just...
she's not Charlotte.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna need this.
Oscar, Charlotte was great,
but you can't keep pining after her. You're wasting your life.
Says the girl who's passing up a chance to go to London
to work here for 15% tips.
You hog a table all night and only leave 15%?
The hamburger was cold
and, frankly, I didn't love your attitude.
Look, it's not every day that something amazing comes along.
And you can't expect to be happy if you just keep living
your life in limbo while opportunities pass you by.
Yeah?
Yeah.
So I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself,
get off your ass, and take charge of your life.
You're right.
Thanks, Emily.
No, seriously,
get off your ass. I need this table.
I got bills to pay.
Oh! Hi. (chuckles)
Oh!
Emily, I was just coming down to see you.
There's something that I want to tell you.
There's something I want to tell you, too.
Okay.
Um...
Okay. Uh, ever since my divorce with Ashley,
a part of me has wondered
if we would ever get back together again.
And... I'm glad I went for coffee,
because I know now I don't want that.
I want a future with you.
I'm going to London.
I can't put my arms down.
Felix,
this is, um... it's something
I've been thinking about, and I...
- I realized I just have to do it. - Okay,
if this is about Ashley, I promise you...
No, no, no, it's not. It's just...
It's-it's not every day
that an opportunity like this comes by,
and I-I realize I just... I can't let it go.
So this is really happening? Three months?
It's like you said, I mean, I can't spend
the rest of my life wondering what if.
What about us?
Well, if we're...
as strong as I think we are,
I think that we'll be okay.
Oh. I'm sorry, I was eavesdropping!
Emily, this is great news! I'm gonna run down to your place
and free up some space on your DVR!
Oscar.
Charlotte.
It's good to see you not hiding behind a desk.
Or an umbrella.
You knew that was me?
It was a clear umbrella.
So, what are you doing here?
I realized you don't get a lot of shots at something like this,
and I don't want to let it slip away.
I see you're leaving the door open.
I guess I am.
Another great meal, Felix.
I especially enjoyed the giant tater tot.
Hold onto your hat.
I just tricked you into eating a baked potato.
Whoa. You're like a wizard.
I just... I feel like I've been neglecting you lately.
Taking care of you is exactly what I need to take my mind
off the fact that Emily is an ocean away.
So I return to my most challenging task,
Mount Oscar.
"Mount" being a noun, not a verb.
What exactly are we talking about here?
Well, step one: physical rejuvenation.
So tomorrow begins with sunrise yoga.
Ugh.
- Followed by a pancake breakfast. - Mmm.
That we will be serving to the homeless.
Ugh.
Because step two is spiritual rejuvenation.
Ooh, tomorrow? I just remembered,
- Charlotte and I have plans. - No.
I already talked to Charlotte, and she is taking her son
to the beach for the entire weekend.
Did I say "Charlotte"? Because Teddy...
Has been informed not to bother us as we spend the afternoon
shopping for trousers. Which, coincidentally,
is the name of the off-off-Broadway play
we're seeing tomorrow night.
Where are we going?
To Dani's old apartment.
You live there now.
(knocking)
Oscar!
- (pounding) - Oscar!
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.