In case you're interested, at my old school
the day began with prayers, followed by hymns
and then an inspirational reading.
Here it began with Jay showing me a pornographic video.
Right, watch this.
This is tame. They're not even naked. Oh, wait a minute, is she gonna?
Oh, my God, that can't be real! That's got to be chocolate.
- They should've got a bigger cup. - How tame is that, then?!
- Oh, Christ, I'm gonna heave. - Jesus wept! Don't lick it!
- She's gonna vomit. - I'm gonna vomit.
This is the best bit, look.
- Ohhh! - Oh...
- Is it possible to un-see things? - I don't like girls any more.
You get a new laptop and the first thing you did was find that?
No, it wasn't the first thing.
This was the first thing.
Oh!
You lot are such saddos.
- That's it. We can't carry on like this! - Carry on like what?
We can't spend another term treading water, being the same old sad cases.
Well, I'm not a sad case.
You just got called a sad case!
- Look, we've got to do something. - What do you mean?
- Carpe diem! - Go fishing?
Seize the day. Do something unexpected.
Reinvent ourselves. Show the girls and everyone else who we really are.
- Reinvent ourselves as what? - I don't know!
Literally anything! Something cool.
We could... start going clubbing in London.
- My dad wouldn't let me drive to London. - That's the spirit
I could drive us.
- I got a car last weekend. - A car?!
- You haven't even passed your test. - Yeah, I have.
- And you never thought to mention it? - You never asked.
Of course, I forgot that's the way it works.
We have to ask you every single thing that might have happened in case it did.
Brilliant! Now we don't have to drive around in Simon's little bitchmobile.
No more lifts for you.
What about that? If you don't have to drive, will you come?
It's not the driving I'm worried about, it's that we won't get in anywhere,
won't get served and might get robbed, stabbed or killed.
Bullshit! I go up to London all the time.
- When do you ever go to London? - All the time!
I went last weekend. I fucked some girl up there.
- Where was that, then? - It was in... the Tower of London.
The Tower of London? What did you do after you'd fucked her?
Cut her head off? Show her the crown jewels?
She'd already seen the crown jewels, thanks - my bell-end.
Brilliant Reinventing ourselves as clubbers
was a brilliant idea of mine. Obviously, we wouldn't actually
get in anywhere, but Simon could at least give it a go.
Go on, Si, please come along.
But it'll be expensive. Don't some of those clubs charge 30 quid to get in?
I've already told you, I know the bloke who runs all the doors. He'll slip us in.
And when that turns out to be bullshit, what then?
- Hi, Simon! - Carli!
- How's your stomach? - Oh... fine.
Simon had really bad diarrhoea over the weekend.
Really bad.
We're going up to London on Saturday, clubbing. Do you want to come?
Sounds fun. We'd love to go. Which club are you going to?
Um...
- Spearmint Rhino. - Isn't that a strip club?
He's made a mistake. We're going to one of the big ones,
one of the big, cool ones right in the middle of London.
Oh, right. Which one?
- Um... the Land of... - The Sound of...
We usually go to Club Opera.
- And that's exactly where we're going. - Cool.
And I'm driving, if you want a lift.
Nah, we'll probably head up early, check out the shops.
- A lift back would be great, though. - No problemo.
So do you go clubbing a lot, then?
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Um...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, course. Dancing on the podium, probably,
or up by the speakers, where it's, if anything, too loud!
- Great. See you there. - See you.
- Great. - See you later, then.
What did I tell you? London and muff go hand in hand.
Fucking hell, I'm going on a date with Carli!
- It's not really a date. - I think it is.
- I reckon you're in there, too. - Me? Why do you think that?
Cos she touched her hair!
In body language-speak, that means she wants you.
In London on Saturday, there'll be plenty of girls round me touching their hair.
Their pubic hair, presumably?
No, their... long...
No, yeah, their pubic hair.
Saturday rolled around, and we were all incredibly excited
about our night out in London. Rachel,
an actual girl with a working face, had asked me if I was going,
Simon got to continue his stalking of Carli,
Neil just liked being out in the open, like a Labrador,
and Jay was up for some more make-believe sex in a tourist attraction -
maybe a hand-job at Madame Tussauds.
I had no idea how we'd actually get into a club,
but I wasn't taking any chances and wore my smartest shoes,
something Simon didn't do.
- Why are you wearing trainers, Si? - Because they look good.
I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs.
- Everyone wears trainers. - Jay and I haven't got trainers on.
You've got fucking flippers on! What size are they?
Size eight - my size.
Yeah, Ronald McDonald called - he wants his shoes back.
There's nothing wrong with these. They're Italian.
Hey! Where are my-a flippers?
- You'll be OK if you fall in the Thames. - Yeah, very funny
Would it have killed you to wear shoes just to be on the safe side?
Whoa, check out Neil's car!
- Yeah! It's shit-hot! - I'd say half right.
It's shit.
But a rubbish red Nova wasn't the main attraction at Neil's house.
- Hi, Katie! - Hello.
He's upstairs.
So how's things with you?
- Yeah! I haven't seen you in ages. - Neil!
Your friends want to know if you're coming out to play.
Coming!
- So, Katie, do you like clubbing? - Can you stop staring at my tits, please?
She must be on the blob.
All right? What do you think of the car, then?
It's like a tractor beam for fanny. I love it!
It's got a Piper exhaust and a well smart body-kit.
My sister's boyfriend is helping me do it up. He's a mechanic.
It must be nice for your dad to have a man about the house, Neil.
What does that mean?
- It means, "Does your dad suck him off?" - No!
- But your sister does. - No!
- Well, I mean, she might do. - Oh, she definitely does.
- Oh... nice Porsche Engineering sticker. - I know.
I put it on myself. It's gotta be worth at least a hand-job.
- How fast does it go? - Who knows? I ain't got it going yet.
- This is the first time you've driven it? - Nah, it ain't got an engine.
- Dave's still trying to find me one. - I thought you were driving us to London.
Yeah, so did I.
So how do you plan to drive us up there without a car?
I was going to drive your car.
But you're not insured to drive my car.
Yeah, I wondered about that.
Oh, well, Simon, you're gonna have to drive us.
No! I said no. And my dad will go mental if he finds out I've driven to London.
He won't find out.
And even if he does, you'll have far too many fingers up Carli to care.
- Please, Simon? - Oh, Christ! Thanks a lot, Neil
You need to be clearer about things, I reckon.
OK, is this clear enough? You're a fucking idiot!
Calm down! I'll get some beers for the trip.
I can't drink and drive!
Course you can, it's just a saying!
So Jay liberated a few of his dad's lagers and we were off.
The plan was simple - get to London, get into a club, pull Carli and Rachel
and then return to school on Monday morning
with our credibility at an all-time high.
Yes - I said it was simple, not realistic.
In the meantime, we can enjoy the enlightening conversation.
Here, who would you rather fuck, Will's mum or Neil's sister?
Oh, good
Oi, leave it out! Will's mum.
Don't join in, Neil!
Neil's sister would have the tighter snatch, I guess.
- Leave it out! - But Will's mum has got huge tits.
- They are amazing. - Thanks, Neil.
Although Neil's sister looks like she'd be better at sucking dick.
Like father like daughter.
I could see her going at it like a dog eating hot chips.
Shut up, Jay!
- I'd like to put my cock in them both. - That's a touching sentiment.
- I'd touch your mum's sentiment. - That doesn't mean anything.
It means I'd touch her bum-hole with my cock.
Nice one!
I've thought about it, and I'd definitely rather fuck Will's mum.
Are you sure, Neil?
What about your sister's tight snatch?
No, totally sure.
Well, that's good, then.
Slow down a minute, Si.
Bus wankers!
Where did that come from? Bus wankers!
- I dunno, it just felt right! - You could see their little faces drop
as they thought, "We must be the bus wankers."
Pull over, Si. I need a piss.
I can't pull over, there's a bus lane.
Please, I'm desperate, mate.
You'll just have to hold it, Neil, we're late enough.
What are you doing?
- Are you pissing in my car? - Nah.
- What's that noise, then? - I'm pissing in a can.
What the fuck?! You'll get piss on the floor!
It won't overflow.
I've got me chap's-eye right in there, so I can't miss. No problemo.
It stinks, Neil!
Uh-oh, it don't wanna stop.
What do you mean, "it"?!
- Just stop pissing yourself, Neil! - Quick, pass me another can!
That's not happening.
It's filled up to the top, I've got to get it out! Oh, shit!
Oh, my helmet! I've cut it on the can!
Oh, I think it's bleeding!
Fuck bleeding! Is it still pissing?
Oh, it stings!
Does anybody want to swap seats?
- I will. - Not you!
Get rid of it, Neil!
Oh, Neil!
So high on the smell of Neil's urine, we headed for the bright lights of London.
Look out, ladies - phase one was complete.
We had finally made it to London.
And we even managed to see all the sights...
... because Simon got us totally fucking lost.
It must be somewhere round here.
I knew we'd get lost. Thanks a lot, Neil
Is it my fault you're a shit driver?
I don't want Carli to be pissed off if I'm late.
You need to grow some balls, I reckon.
Why not pull over and ask someone where the club full of clunge is?
I've got Google Maps on my phone!
Should be able to find it, no problemo!
Neil, you have to stop...
- Aye-aye! - No, Jay!
- Go on. - Bus wankers!
Why are you slowing down?
I tried to say!
Oh, Christ, Jay!
- Oh, shit! - Oh, no, they're coming! Shit! Drive!
Where?! Where am I meant to drive to?!
- Anywhere! - Oh, shit!
Anywhere but the pavement.
Listen... Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I...
- Who's a wanker? - Please, I'm sorry!
- I'm a wanker, am I? Yeah? - He said he was sorry.
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry... - He said he was sorry.
- I'm a wanker, yeah? - I'm sorry.
He's really sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that piece of yellow shit!
Fucking hell, you two shit yourselves.
What?!
"Ooh, sorry, sorry! Ooh, I'm sorry, don't hurt me, sorry."
You got me fucking throttled!
"Ooh, sorry!"
- Oh, fuck off! - "Sorry I'm on the pavement."
"Sorry, sorry, sorry for my little shit car."
"I'm so sorry that I'm alive and a bender!"
Just fuck offl
Sorry, Si.
"Sorry I'm such a tit!"
"Oh, sorry, I've done a poo in my pants!"
"Ooh, sorry, my neck is stuck in your hand."
Simon's a good friend, but it's fair to say he drives like a retard.
But eventually, in Chinatown, just a few hundred yards from the club,
we found the perfect parking space.
Well, almost perfect.
- I don't think I can park here. - We've been looking for an hour.
This is perfect. Let's just get going!
But it says we'll get clamped.
Nah, it's a weekend, innit? Different rules.
I'm sure he's right, Si, and no-one clamps any more.
Please can we get going? I really need to check my knob.
I think I've got a big problemo.
Can you stop saying "problemo"?
- What? - It's not cool,
or funny - it's just embarrassing.
Don't worry, Neil, he'll say "sorry" in a minute.
- Maybe I should move it. - Simon, listen to me.
Carli has agreed to go clubbing with you.
But in the hour it'll take us to find another parking space,
she could have gone off the idea.
She could be wanking off the DJ by now.
I doubt that's happening, but the point is valid.
This is a great parking spot. Let's just get a move on.
We are wasting valuable boning time.
Fine. Fine, come on, then.
Don't bother locking it, Si. If you're lucky, someone might nick it!
Yeah, good one.
So despite the odd throttling and cut penis,
we made it to the club, and the girls even seemed pleased to see usl
Carli.
Oh, hi, Simon. I wondered where you were.
- Did you? You're actually here. - Yes.
- You weren't lying about coming, then. - No. Why would I be lying?
Don't know. Don't know why I said that.
Great, well, we'll see you in there, then.
Don't be a tit, just stand here!
- Oh, are you joining us? - Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Are you fucking pushing in? Those arseholes pushed in!
So... great you're near the front.
Yeah, well, we've been here long enough.
Suppose you have.
I just really wanna get inside and dance.
Me, too. There's something very animalistic about our need to dance.
- Those lads are throwing stuff at you. - Don't think so.
They're frustrated cos they want to get inside too. They're saying,
"Let us in, we've got bloody great dancing ants in our pants!"
Get to the back of the queue, you four-eyed prick!
Do you mind if I turn my back on you? I don't want them to think you're with me.
No, that's fine.
Rachel had the most beautiful back of a head I'd ever seen.
Now all we had to do was get in to the club.
No trainers.
What?!
No trainers.
But they're new.
No trainers.
I'll see you in there in a minute.
That's us fucked, then.
I take it you don't know that bouncer, then, Jay?
What's this got to do with me? I'm not the one wearing trainers.
You fucking idiot! I am totally in there - like, totally.
- Would it have killed you to wear shoes? - We could make another pair out of yours
and have enough leather left to cover a sofa.
Doesn't matter, anyway. I've sorted it. I'm gonna borrow some shoes.
What?
Hammerhead shark!
Oh, no!
Look, I'm gonna level with you - I am scared. London scares me.
The bouncer scares me and that man really scares me.
Let's just put this one down as another character-forming experience and go home.
Come on, Will! It's for Carli! She'll love it - it's romantic.
It's not quite Romeo And Juliet. These are tramp shoes we're talking about.
'Scuse me, mate.
Mate? 'Scuse me. Can I borrow your shoes?
Eh?
I wanna borrow your shoes. I'm trying to impress a girl.
- Gi' us a blow job. - What?
I'll give you a blow job.
No. God, no, no blow jobs. I just want your shoes.
All right, 20 quid!
- Great. - And your shoes.
Oh, of course.
Good old Simon. I could always rely on him to add a touch of class to proceedings.
In many ways, though, it proved how much he valued Carli.
Certainly more than he valued his dignity.
They're a bit wet.
Aye, that'll be my piss.
OK. Thanks.
I'm not saying it was a dodgy club, but you have to question a door policy
which says no to trainers
but a big thumbs up to piss-soaked tramp shoes.
But we were inl We had got inl Yesl
In the clubl An actual clubl Yesl
I've died and gone to clunge heaven.
Oh, nice!
Well, this is what we wanted. This is it, the first day of the rest of our lives.
It's one small step for a man, one giant leap for your flippers.
You won't be laughing when we pull Carli and Rachel.
No, I won't, cos it ain't gonna happen.
You can spend your evening talking to little girls.
Me and Neil are gonna find ourselves some proper women
with experienced snatches.
Good luck with that. Just so you know, I think the Tower of London is closed now.
- There she is. How do I look? - You look good. From the ankles up,
- obviously. - Obviously. Where's Rachel?
Don't worry, she's keen. I'm sure she'll find me. Away you go, mate.
Wish me luck.
Carli.
Simon, you got in! I thought you were turned away.
Will was being a dick with the bouncers and there was a thing with my shoes.
They're out of ice already. Can you believe that?
Oh, Simon, this is Adam. He's a mate of Rachel's.
- Oh. All right? - Yeah, you?
Simon is an old friend of the family.
- Not just that, though. - Can you smell piss?
Um...
Urgh, yes. That's totally rank.
Must be the toilets. We should move.
Yeah, good idea.
Meanwhile, Jay and Neil headed downstairs to discuss the nuances of sexual politics.
- She'd definitely get it! - Most definitely.
What about her?
- I think she looked over. - Nice body.
Frightening face. You'd have to do her from behind.
- What about her? - Bit big.
But then, fat girls are more grateful.
Oh, check out the jubblies on that!
Oh, she'd get it until it fell off.
- Oh, please don't. - Please do.
Oh, no - she's given me a boner and my cut's hurting worse than ever.
I've gotta go and check it out.
All right, but I might not be here when you get back.
That one's giving me the old "I'm gonna milk your balls dry" look.
And in the toilets, Neil had a very big problemo with his cock.
Ah, ah, ah...
Oh, oh, oh...
Ah, ah...
Ah, ah, oh...
I had my own difficulties in the cock department.
Rachel was sitting next to one.
Rachel! There you are, found you!
Ready to put on your dancing shoes? I know I am!
That's good.
- Hi, I'm Will. - Dean.
So, do you come here often, Dean?
I bet you say that to all the girls!
Yeah... He's got some chutzpah, I'll give him that.
Anyway, nice to meet you, Dean, but we're off.
What? I'm good here, thanks.
Come on. It's getting a bit crowded round here, eh, Dean?
Sorry, mate?
Look, come on, mate. You've had a good run. Believe me,
if I was in your shoes and I saw a gorgeous girl sitting on her own,
I'd have made the move, but I'm here now, so...
So what?
So do the honourable thing and step aside,
because I was in with her first.
No, you weren't.
Is he for real? He talks like he's from a black and white film.
Yes, I was. I stood with you in the queue.
- Behind me. - Well, more beside you.
And you specifically asked me if I was coming tonight. I have got witnesses.
Will, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.
Evidently! So is that it? Shall I just go away and leave you to it?!
Yes. Go away.
Fine!
Fine! That's the last you see of me.
Thanks, Dean. Thanks a lot, mate
I was starting to go off Rachel. She wasn't really my type.
Elsewhere, my friends were faring no better.
- I can still smell it. - It's following us.
Simon, I'm not being rude, but I think that smell might be you.
Right. These shoes do kick up a bit.
Jesus, what the fuck is on your feet?
These aren't my shoes. I had to borrow them to get in.
Who brings spare shoes to a nightclub?
No-one. I swapped them with a bloke
- outside the club. - What was he, a tramp?
I think you're supposed to say homeless now.
Sorry... you're wearing a tramp's shoes?
Mate, that is weird.
Yeah.
Maybe.
- Ah... - What's taking so fucking long?
Oh, mate, it's not good. Get us some bog roll.
- It's bleeding. Look. - Oh, Jesus, put it away, Neil!
I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants.
- Well, take your pants off, then. - Then it'll rub on my jeans.
Neil, no matter what your old man says,
you can't walk round London with your knob hanging out.
What?! I didn't do nothing! I wasn't doing anything!
So she didn't see the romantic intention behind the tramp shoes?
Not immediately,
but if that prick Adam hadn't been there, it would've been different.
To be fair to him, the smell is appalling.
- What happened with Rachel? - Oh, the usual. It was going quite well,
then she realised I'm a massive dickhead and she pulled some other bloke.
Right.
- It's shit here, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Shall we go? - Yeah.
No, wait! I wasn't wanking!
- Oh, great - My cock's cut. My cock is cut!
So we were chucked out, out the club. The actual club chucked us out.
Exactly 25 minutes after it started, our life as cool London clubbers was over.
So what happened?
I dunno. I was just looking at the cut on my cock.
- Jay was helping me out... - Sorry.
- Jay was helping you out? - It's not how it sounds.
Cos it sounds like you were watching Neil wank in the toilets.
I wasn't wanking, I was just rolling it around in my hands.
All right, spare us the details.
Oh, fuck! What if Carli's getting off with that bloke?
Don't cry, Si. At least you can get your trainers back.
- What? - Fucking beauty.
I'll have that wee bastard.
Oh, brilliant How have you done that?
- What? - You've only had them an hour.
- Maybe he's been out. - Technically, he's always out.
Right, that's it. Let's go. I've had enough.
Standing sober in an alleyway stinking of piss and wearing a tramp's shoes
was not what I had planned for this evening.
Out of interest, did you think it would go better or worse than this?
The night was over and all we wanted to do
was get back in Simon's shit car and go home.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuckety fuck fucko.
Ooh, shit.
- How much money have we got between us? - No, you chose to park here.
- Fucking hell, Jay! Will? - Sorry. I don't have any money left.
Getting in cleaned me out. I think you'll have to call your Dad.
It's one in the morning. He's going to go fucking mental.
- And I told him I was staying at Neil's. - Unlock it, Si. I'm freezing.
He loves you. I'm sure he'd rather come and get you than see you suffer.
Dad, it's Simon.
Simon!
Don't panic, nothing's wrong. Just calm down.
No, I'm not dead. Well, if I'm dead, how could I be talking to you?
- Oi! You owe me £200. - I'll call you back.
Sir, as I am sure you're aware, private clamping is illegal.
- In addition to that, it is a weekend... - I couldn't get my fucking van out.
- Look, I've just called my dad and... - I couldn't give a fuck. £200... now!
I don't have it!
We don't have it!
I want £200! Can't you fucking read?
No fucking parking! I missed all my fucking deliveries.
- Carli. Carli! - Give me my fucking money now!
I'm gonna fucking kill you unless you give me my fucking money!
Do you still want that lift?
Um, no. I'm fine, thanks.
- Great. See you Monday. - £200!
£200!
Argh!
I'm gonna fucking kill you unless you give me my fucking money!
So we had successfully reinvented ourselves,
but not as the boys who go clubbing.
Oh, no. We were now the boys who freaked out girls...
Can you stop staring at my tits?
... apologised a lot...
Sorry, I'm really sorry.
... wore tramp's shoes...
and wanked in public toilets.
My cock is cut!
- I think you've got a big problemo. - Please just shut up, Neil.
Maybe you should try saying sorry over and over.
- "Oh, sorry for parking like a knob." - Oh, just fuck offl
# Cool down, Joe There's no need to rob me
# It's not really worth it You won't make a pretty penny
# Calm down You can't take my life
# Your knife will cut you the best slice of the pie
# Your life has been a misery but give a little mercy
# It's no excuse to do one over me
# Cool down... #